Adopted by Stucky

31- struggling

-quick A/n-
For this chapter thingy, I recommend listening to
-I am not okay
-would anyone care
-if I surrender
-wanted
All by the band Citizen Soldier, if you like listening to music whilst reading, just because it goes with the theme, also it's y/n's second favourite band after AC/DC because she feels she can relate to the lyrics

A few days later

You had been trying what Sam recommended about writing down when you got a nightmare and it wasn't working that well but they were becoming less often, like instead of every night it was happening every other day, and you were feeling better, because you actually got to sleep every once and a while, but this night was not one of those days:

You were in the avengers tower in the kitchen "y/n you are so much work, with your depressive episodes"  papa said
"Go and pack your bags you're going back to the orphanage" dad said, you ran off to your bed room, but it didn't look like your room, all of the walls we cracked and all of your AC/DC posters were torn or pulled down and everything was turned over, you grabbed two big suitcases and started to chuck all of your stuff into it

-time skip-

You were now in the car with Happy on the way to the lost child orphanage "y/n you should be ashamed of yourself, you were so much work for your dads" he said
Once we had arrived you walked in to lots of disgusted faces and whispers
"Omg did her new parents hate her so much that they sent her back"
"Must of"

You woke up before it could escalate, the sun was streaming in on your sweaty face, you had been crying in your dream because your face was all sticky, and you were still crying, luckily there was no screaming so no unwanted attention was going to come in the room, you grabbed your diary and wrote down what happened and got up for the day

you chucked on some training clothes grabbed a bottle of water and walked down into the training room, no one was in there as it was still early, and it was a Sunday

You went for a small jog on the treadmill at about 15mph which for you is quite slow, as a fast running pace for you was 25mph+
You did this for about an hour and had just started to sweat,
you next went into the shooting range and started to shoot, with AC/DC blasting, obviously 🙄 , you hit every target with ease, at this point you had, had a second to think about your nightmare that night and was getting quite angry

so in proper y/n style you went to the punching bag and punched it until your hands started to bleed and at this point you were on your second bag, as the first one was a sand mess on the floor, you looked up and saw that it was almost 7am and your papa would be up soon, he was normally up at 5am, like you were, thanks to the nightmare, but because it was a Sunday, 7am was a 'late start' for him, so you cleaned up your mess and went upstairs before anyone could see you

You got into the shower and telling JARVIS to play citizen soldier

Would anyone care was the first song to come on:
Would anyone notice
If tonight I disappeared?
Would anyone chase me
And say the words that I need to hear?

Next was I am not okay:
I'll never have the words, I can't explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself

Then came wanted:
If you died tonight, if you threw this fight
And finally let it go
The weight of holding on, so sick of being strong
Just to end up alone

And lastly if I surrender:
So let me fall, let me break
Under everything unsaid
Just let me die 'cause I can't take
Living with what's in my head

By the end of these songs you were done with your shower but were crying so hard you couldn't get out, you just sat down in the shower crying so much that you couldn't feel your face

you were struggling so much and no one noticed anymore, because they all thought Sam was helping you and they all thought that all of your problems would magically disappear once you had started to talk about it all, but they were wrong, so wrong, in fact, that you were self harming and was actually planning ways on how to kill yourself

you had snapped out of your scary thoughts and finally got dressed for the day, your knuckles were still bleeding but instead of covering them, you just cleaned them and then once they had stopped bleeding you just left them because you were struggling so much that you actually wanted people to know you were struggling still
It still was only 9am but most of the avengers would be up anyway, so you went downstairs and pretended like everything was great

"Hey kid" Tony said
Everyone looked up at you, and you smiled at them
"Hey people" you said back and went into the kitchen and got a banana as you weren't that hungry, you went and sat on the couch
"Did you sleep well, doll?" Dad asked
"Meh" you said as you shrugged your shoulders
"What's that supposed to mean y/n?" Bruce asked suspiciously as he looked at your knuckles
"Just that I had a nightmare last night, that's all, nothing big" you explained
"You hands....tell a different story" papa said, then all eyes fell on you, all conversations stopped, it felt like everything had stopped
"Hmmm, yea well it is what it is" you said, preparing yourself to run, Nat spotted this "No running this time" she whispered in your ear, you grunted in frustration
"We need to talk" Tony stated
"About?" You questioned innocently
"Y/n you know what" papa said
"No, I don't think I do, will you please enlighten me with this information" you formally stated
"Y/n, you try to run every time we try to talk, every time we ask if you're ok you tense up, your very closed off, we rarely ever see you anymore, you're up at 4am nearly every day, your knuckles are almost always wrapped up, except for now which is strange, you never stay after dinner, you either sit on the balcony alone or go straight to your room, and we want answers, honest answers" papa said calmly, and when you tried to get up, you were stopped by a certain spidey-boi
"Peter, we all know that I could beat your ass any day, so I recommend you move" you stated bluntly
"No y/n, I will not move"
Is that it, is that all he could say, you thought
You sighed, you really didn't fancy beating Peters ass
If I try and run I'll have the avengers on my tail and I may be strong but there is no way in hell I can beat them all
You looked around to try and create a plan of escape, but it was no use, all of the avengers had got up and out of there seats and had circled you
"Fuck" you mumbled under your breath,
"Y/n we really don't want to do this, as much as you do, but we aren't moving until you talk"

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