⌁ Thunder ⌁ Lana Del Rey Fanfiction

chapter eighteen: heartbreak

New Year's Eve arrived at my doorstep in the blink of an eye. Five days after Christmas with Lana, four days since she last called. I only imagined she was being distant because she was spending time with Chuck and family. So I decided on giving her some space, trying to hide how much I was growing attached.

If only i'd realized things were going sour at that point.

I was caught in an unproductive funk. I hadn't made any plans prior for the rest of winter break, and soon realized as the days passed that I didn't exactly feel comfortable with nothing to do. I was feeling depressive and anxious deep down inside, but I couldn't pinpoint why those emotions were coming out.

If only i'd realized tragedy was looming over my head at that point.

Zella called in the late afternoon to catch up on everything going on in our lives. I ended up confessing it all. I must've spent an hour straight just pouring my heart out.

In our conversation, she said something that stuck out to me. "Isn't it... going to be weird now? I mean, you still have to see her during lectures...as a student. You're going to have to be really discreet from now on."

I hadn't thought about those aspects. We were risking it all, and didn't even have a plan for it.

I brushed off the comment and hid how much it set me off inside. I just replied with something along the lines of agreement that we'd contain it and keep everything professional on the outside.

There was still many more months of the year, though. Only time would tell how we would work it out.

I shifted the attention to Zella. She told me about her picturesque, perfect family that she had the time of her life with. I was happy that she had such a strong relationship with everyone in hers, and how good she got along with her mother. But, I felt a simmering pang of jealousy that she'd always had such a good home life. That she had blood to fall back on when times were hard. I started to feel disgusted and guilty in myself for letting that thought cross my mind. I blamed it all on my anxiety and pushed it to the far back of my mind.

"So, any plans tonight?" Zella concluded. I checked the call time and it had been a whole 3 hours of conversation.

It was 10:07 pm.

"No, not really." I sighed and started to think of Lana.

"Great, i'll pick you up." She quickly replied. I could feel her enthusiastic energy over the line.

I sighed. "I'm not really up for anything," I said vaguely.

"Come on, it's New Years!" She begged. There was a pause.  "Wait, I see..." She chuckled coyly. "You already have plans with someone, don't you?" I nervously laughed. I wish. I had omitted the tiny detail to Zella that it had been days since I last heard of Lana. "Never mind, then."

I let the ball roll because I wasn't in the mood to go out. Though, if Lana was on the line, I wouldn't have skipped a beat. Everything was so much better when she was around.

"Call me if you need anything though, alright?" I replied.

"I will." She paused for a second. "Shit, I should start heading out. Talk to you later, Byeee!"

"Have fun." I hung up and I quickly realized the stillness in my home felt maddening.

My father had gone to bed early. He was never been one to stay up late, even on this one occasion of celebration.

Lana began to invade my thoughts yet again. I decided on reaching out by calling her. She didn't pick up though, and I couldn't help but worry. Her absence was eating me alive, and my intrusive thoughts surged without warning. This was reminding me of the last time I was practically ghosted.