⌁ Thunder ⌁ Lana Del Rey Fanfiction

chapter twenty-one: letters

February 1st

A month had gone by. And still, I was grieving like the very first night. Days would go by before I would even realize it, feeling like I was stuck in some type of hazy loop in my head.

I was sitting at the windowsill of my childhood bedroom, looking down at the scarce passing people on the narrow streets. I had been sitting there for hours.

Hours I can't ever get back.

I hated myself for not being able to pick myself up after my loss. But at the same time, I couldn't bear to do anything else. I couldn't sleep right. I was stuck in my thoughts for 20 hours straight and couldn't shut them off.

I lit a cigarette from the pack in my pocket and exhaled out the window, tossing the pack on my nightstand where all of the empty cartons from the days prior were. I don't even know why I started smoking, or when. The nicotine high was the only thing that helped me feel something. Anything was better than nothing at all.

It was pretty late—03:46 to be exact. So, I shuffled around my room and did the same exact thing I had been doing for the last 31 days; taking the letter from my mother out of its envelope and sitting on the hardwood floors just to read it.

______________________
Querida hija,
No se como recibirás esta carta. Ojalá has regresado.

Quiero que sepas que aunque me he ido de la vida, siempre estaré contigo. Siempre. Fuiste el mejor regalo que me dio la vida, pero no te valore como necesitaba. No te di el cariño que me dio tu abuela, aunque tú lo merecías más que yo. Eres una estrella y lo he jodido todo.
No te culpes por lo que ha pasado.
Hay cosas que jamás se pueden cambiar. Como yo, que destrozo todo lo que toco.
Pero te prometo que mi ida fue la mejor decisión, para tí.
Me tenias que dejar a cierto punto, querida. Yo solo lo he facilitado.
Ante todo, no pares de ser tu. Sé que eso ha sido tu pasión desde siempre. Te amo.
_________________________
Dear daughter,
I don't know how you'll receive this letter. I hope you've come back home.
I want you to know that even though I've left this life, I'll always be with you. Always. You were the best gift life ever gave me, and I didn't value you like I needed to. I didn't pass down the love your grandmother gave me, even though you deserved more than I ever did. You're a star and I fucked it all up, but don't blame yourself for what's happened.
There's things you can never change. Like me, who destroyed everything I touched. I promise that my departure has been the best decision—for your own good.
You had to leave me at some point, honey. I've just facilitated it.
Over everything else, don't stop being you. I know it's always been your passion. I love you.
______________________

I read it over and over until the tears started seeping out of my eyes and falling onto the paper. All of the other tears from the days past had made the paper very wrinkly. Some of the ink was starting to smudge, I noticed.

Why was I letting it get to me? Why was I letting myself cry so much?

I was angry at the world. Angry at the piece of fucking paper, because God knows no one should ever get a suicide letter addressed to them. It wasn't right.

My hands were trembling to the point I couldn't even hold the paper still to read it one more time.

I was furious and resentful. In a rash motion, I decided to rip the letter up. Except that as soon as I split it down the middle, my heart started to ache. I instantly regretted it.

I started choking on my tears, "No no no no," I whispered. I tried putting it back together, but there was no use without having tape on hand.

I stood up from the floor and started pacing. I closed my eyes and buried my hands into my hair out of exasperation.