Better go Solo

Chapter 33

After finishing my pizza I went back to my room. I still had to unpack my backpack so I opened the zipper of it and took out the worn clothes. I threw it in the laundry basket. Heathers freak out before still made me angry and the thoughts about my mother sad at the same time. She could not know why it was hurting as bad as it does but still it was not okay to bring my dead mother into this. Regardless of the way she died. Her death changed everything for me and even changed me negatively. It had a huge impact on my psyche and nobody even noticed how bad it was for me.

Mostly because nobody knew the whole truth out of me. I had to tell if I wanted other people to understand but I was scared about their reaction. I just wanted everybody to think it all had been just like they think it had been.

I emptied the whole bag until I found something that made freeze.

I looked at the little plastic back in my hand which was filled with several small foil packages. My hand was shaking. I should not take it even though I had the feeling that I would feel better if I did even if I would harm myself with this at the same time.

My head was almost exploding while I thought about it until I decided on actually doing it.

I looked at the syringe in my hand before I spotted the vein in my arm before I stuck the needle in. Again I felt that incredible feeling running though my whole body. I let go the string I had wrapped around my arm and enjoyed the moment until I cleaned and hid everything in the lockable drawer.

At the same time I felt good and guilty. Good because of the feeling the drug gave me, guilty because I broke my promise I gave dad to not doing any harder drugs.

Some days went by until I finally received the documents I asked Heather for. Dad called his lawyer so I could ask him to help me. I did not have contact to Ash or anyone else of the band since the weekend we met. I did not know how to feel about it but I hoped that we would still record that song together.

I parked in front of the law firm dad's lawyer worked at. I took the folder filled with the documents I finally got from Heather and left he car. Lastly I locked the car and entered the building.

The elderly woman at the entrance locked up from her pc monitor.

»How can I help you?« She asked friendly and smiled at me. Today I wore more conservative clothing by wearing black jeans and a white blouse.

»I have an appointment. Christina McAddams« I said. She immediately looked down in the monitor.

»Please take a seat for some minutes. I call you if you can go in« She explained. I nodded and sat down on one of the armchairs standing across from the counter the woman sat on. I looked around in the room until she told me that the lawyer was ready.

I went inside the office and greeted the man friendly.

»How can I help you? Owen called and said that you need legal assistance« He said and pointed at one of the chairs in front of his desk.

I put the folder on the desk in front of him.

»Thank you for having me so quickly. I'm in a band and we're having the first success in our career by releasing our first real album but I think that a band member embezzles income the band has. She sent me this documents but I don't trust her anymore« I explained and crossed my legs. He took the folder and opened it to view the document in there.

»Are these documents by your band member or the label?« He asked while looking down.

»By her. I did not want to contact the label directly to avoid more problems« I admitted. He nodded. I slid forward in the chair.

»For example the expenses for song writers. She promised that she would pay it since nobody in the band agreed on hiring song writers at all. The outfits she listed there were just for her. The rest of the band always paid the outfits theirselves. Furthermore that amount is not enough for 12 outfits at all« I explained and pointed to the respective amount of money on the list.

»I will check every little item on here to find out if she actually did something illegal. I'll contact you when I found out something« He promised.

»I put copies of receipts of my outfits there too with the same date on them. If you need more documents, call me« I offered him.

»Say your dad hello from me« He added when I left the room again.

»I will« I replied and even said goodbye to the receptionist before I left the building again.

When I sat down in my car I exhaled audibly. I did not want that stress in my life but especially Marla and Josy needed that money but can't afford a lawyer theirselves so I paid it with pleasure. I just wished that all that would finally end soon.

My hands started shaking again and cold sweat rund down my spine. I really had go get home soon. I had been incredibly stupid to think that my nicotine addiction was distracting me. Even though the withdrawal was bad I loved the feeling I had when I took it again.

I hurried up to get home and lock myself in my room. Finally I was alone so I got out the syringe again. I looked at it for some minutes before I stood up again. I sighed before I decided on sitting down at my desk to use any emotion I felt in that moment for writing. In the beginning I was able to write some passages until I freaked out inside.

I needed it. Now.