✔𝚮𝐞𝐥𝐥𝛐 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 ➳ 𝚩𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲 𝚩𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 40: 𝐈𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫

𝐉𝛐 𝐭𝛐𝛐𝐤 𝐚 step back from the painting, eyeing it. She had to finish it today. Steve's birthday was tomorrow. Good ol' 4th of July. Honestly, it was hard painting the two of them without drugs. Her mind kept wandering, and for the most part, it was to guilt for not telling her sister.

She had been over this already. Her time with Bucky was worth it, but this morning had been so fucking close. With how high and drunk they had been last night, it was a miracle they had remembered to lock the bedroom door behind themselves.

Fuck, getting high sounded like a good idea right now. The more she shouldn't do something, the more reason she had to do it. It might be her worst quality. She knew her dad would agree. God fucking damn it. The tears were brimming her eyes again.

This was the exact reason she didn't stay sober. Being high last night hadn't been enough for her, but just the few days – fucking days – and she couldn't control her thoughts. Her emotions were running wild. Suddenly, she remembered the hours spent locked in her room. The days she hadn't been allowed to eat dinner. How they took away her bed when she fucked up.

And she always fucked up.

Then those fucking comments. 'Why can't you be more like Peggy', 'You're a disappointment', 'I wish you hadn't been born', 'when are you going to do something with your life'.

Her muscles were tensing up. The sadness always came with anger, and she never knew how to control it. Thinking clearly wasn't an option. The usual Jo was offline, and the primitive one was in the room, pulling at her hair and trying to push the comments away. They were like angry crows, swooping down and clawing at her head.

There was nothing but utter detest and hate, filling up her mind and brimming through her, spilling from mouth, ear, and nose like disgusting black goo. Her leg was bouncing up and down, shaking whenever she was standing. That pissed her off too.

No. Even when she couldn't control her mind, her body was hers. The door to her room was flung up, crashing into the wall with a loud bang. She stormed out onto the balcony. Bucky's pack of smokes was lying there, and she quickly took one, lighting it up, but inhaling deeply on the fumes didn't help. Nicotine was a shitty fucking drug.

That's when her thoughts went to the wonderful outer wall of the Ivory House. Jo wasn't good at punching, but that didn't matter. Her fist drew back and with all of her strength and momentum she slammed it into the wall. Her body rushed with adrenaline. It wasn't enough. The adrenaline was shielding the pain. She was in control of her body. She decided when things were going to hurt.

It hit again, blood smearing on the ivory white, and the sting was emerging. Jo did it again. A croaking sob escaped her lips. This was so much better. She decided. The pain was there. She was in fucking control of her body. If nothing else, she had that. With a panting breath, she sat down on the chair. They could all go rot in hell.

Jodie cowered when she felt a set of arms wrapping around her, but then the smell of his cologne scent hit, and she calmed down again. The familiar scent was mixed with sweat. Bucky came around the chair and stared down at her, eyes hard when he noticed the state, she was in. Not like she could hide it even if she wanted to. Not from him. His jaw tensed up, and he grabbed her hand, pulling her up.

"Jodes?" He asked, icy eyes locking on her.

"What?" She deeply breathed, trying to calm herself down. She felt like an angry 12-year-old – punching walls felt pretty pathetic. It didn't feel good like it had a second ago.

"The fuck did you do?" He snapped and grabbed her still bleeding hand.

"I'm not high, if that's what you mean," she grumbled and hissed as the pain was really coming forward. "I just got mad."