The Return (Darklina Fanfic)

Chapter 34. The loneliness that comes with grief

I thought I knew grief. Nothing was less true. As I looked out of the coach's window, I was searching for Mal's face amongst the many people traveling in our procession.
The Darkling had insisted on us, especially me, staying inside for the remainder of the journey.

Night was falling again, a whole day had passed since the ambush. I couldn't find the courage to close my eyes and sleep. Afraid of the nightmares I was sure would haunt me. But even awake I was haunted by the image of Mal's lifeless eyes.

My companion, my lifelong friend was truly gone. And nothing could bring him back this time. No Heartrender power nor any prayer to the Saints would bring him back to me. And what kind of life did he have because of me? The past year I had put him through hell and now he is dead because of me. Would it have been better if I had chosen the Darkling? Would he still be alive? Aleksander would say so. I looked at him as he sat across from me, reading through a stack of papers.''He would have been with his tracker unit instead of following you around like a lovestruck fool. And you would have been who I know you're meant to be.''
I could almost hear him say it.

Suddenly the knowledge I would be forever alone with a monster didn't seem like an awful idea. Because how long would it take for me to become a monster now too? Maybe, it wouldn't hurt so much to lose someone if I was like the Darkling. But I couldn't do that to my friends. Yet it's not like I would ever see them again, except for Zoya and Nikolai. I shivered at how the thought of not caring about anyone or anything, appealed to me.

''Your mind is restless. Get some sleep, milaya.'' The Darkling looked up from his work and saw my probably red, tired eyes looking back at him.

''I can't.'' I choked, unshed tears preventing me to speak normally. A look of concern seemed to flash across the Darkling's face and he put the stack of papers down. He stood up, only to sit back down next to me. He put an arm around me and pulled me to his side. I buried my face in his Kefta.

''I know how you feel.'' The Darkling tried to soothe me by stroking my hair. ''I've felt it countless times over my long life. It feels like the pain will never go away, and it won't. At least not completely. It will fade over time, that I can promise you. Grief is the price we pay for love, it's the cost of commitment.''

Love makes us weak. Wanting makes us weak.

''It hurts so much I can't breathe.'' I admitted, my voice muffled because of the fabric around my face.

''I know, milaya.'' The Darkling held me tighter, as if trying to shield me from the world. ''But you are not alone. I will never let you go through it alone.''

At some point I had fallen asleep again. This time, it had been a dreamless sleep. The Darkling had left the coach while I was sleeping and hadn't returned when I woke, assumingly riding among the Grisha. It gave me some time to think about us. He had been almost kind to me these past few hours. I admitted that his presence was comforting, but only because I couldn't bear to be alone. This, sitting in the coach alone, was torture.
I tugged at the tether, letting him know I needed him. After a minute, I felt the coach slow down. It was still moving when the Darkling got in.

''Please stay with me. I can not bear to be alone right now.'' I said immediately, before he could question why I had called for him.

He nodded and we resumed the same position as before. I lay my head on his chest, my face turned upwards to his.

''Do you ever think about what your life would be like if you were born without Grisha powers? Have you ever desired a normal life?'' The questions were out before I could think better of it.

He looked at me briefly, before gazing out the window. After a while he answered, ''a few times over the many centuries I've lived, I'd thought about it.'' I was surprised he would admit it to me.

''Do you think that you could've been happy?''

''I do not wish to speculate about it. A normal life has never been in the cards for me, or for you.'' He spoke with a sudden finality.

''I had it once or twice. A normal life.'' I spoke softly. ''I would do anything to have it again.''

''With the tracker, you mean?'' The Darkling scoffed, looking into my eyes. ''Or surpressing your power during most of your life, making you a weak, sickly girl?''

I didn't answer, just averted my gaze.

He sighed. ''You're not just grieving for the tracker. You're grieving for the life I took from you.'' It wasn't a question, but a statement. Yet I answered anyway.

''Yes.''

For a few moments it was silent in the coach. Only the rattling of the wheels on the road were heard.

Another sigh from the Darkling finally confirmed that he finally understood now or finally acknowledged it. Somewhere deep down, he had always known. I would never be able to live the life he wanted me to.

''I still need your power, Alina. I love you. I need you. You balance me. I can't let you go.'' I heard a desperation in his voice.

''And I can't become a monster, Aleksander.''

As he studied me, I got the feeling that he finally understood I was never going to be his. That he would always be alone. His eyes turned away from me, coldness, anger but also hopelessness radiating from him. He suddenly stood up and knocked on the roof. The coach slowed down again. He opened the door and was gone, closing it behind him.

We halted an hour later to rest for the night. I was guarded by Oprickniki as I stretched my legs and walked around the campsite. First army soldiers were setting up the tents and I had half a mind to help them, just to feel ordinary. But queens didn't do that. So I walked on.

The Darkling was talking to Ivan and some other Grisha, bent over a map. Occasionally, he would glance my way. I sat down near the campfire the Inferni had made. There were already Grisha sitting by the fire as well, but no one spoke to me. After all, I was an absent queen mourning the loss of an otkazat'sya. It made the loneliness grow more.

The sky was almost pitch-black, but the moon shone bright that night, slightly illuminating the clearing that was chosen as our campsite. The treeline was eerily dark. There were no guards patrolling the perimeter of our camp. Instead, the Darkling had summoned his nichevo'ya to guard us.

I sat there watching the flames, lost in thought when I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Ivan. "You need to rest, I'm to escort you back to the coach." I nodded, not feeling the desire for a futile argument, and got up.
We walked past the Darkling who was still studying the map. He didn't look at me when we walked past, but when my back was turned to him, I could feel his gaze on me all the way to the coach.

I was alone again. As I settled myself comfortably into the cushions, I realized I wasn't going to get any sleep. It was very dark, so I summoned some light gathered a stack of papers the Darkling had left and began to read.

After a while, I felt the Darkling get frustrated with the fact I was summoning instead of resting. Figuring I only had a few moments, I absorbed as much information as I could. Turns out I was right. Barely five minutes later, Ivan opened the door, took the stack of papers from me and said, "he wants you to rest. Even if I have to slow down your heartbeat."

"Well, 'he' can tell me himself." I countered.
Rather than replying, Ivan put down the stack of papers and held his hands together. I felt a sudden fatigue as my heartbeat got slower and slower. I couldn't even curse at him, before I fell into a deep forced sleep.

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A/N

Sooo the last time I updated was in June of 2022🙈
The reason for that is that my body has betrayed me, because I have been in an out of hospitals for almost a year now. I was getting sicker each day and treatments weren't working.
But I am glad to tell you that I'm on the mend now! I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there.

I hope you guys like this chapter and while I can't make any promises, I will try to update more frequently.