06/15/22
Everything means nothing without you.
I'm writing this on the train back home. As the sun sets and the train runs backwards, I've just sat with tears streaming down my face. So much so that I've had to bite my lip to stop from making any sound. Like my never-ending cycle of thinking of you, the train started forwards, I made my imaginary goodbyes to you, and then the train slowed before starting the opposite way, causing me to see the city street again. You keep pulling me back. I can't do this anymore. While Amanda is soundly asleep next to me, I've been silently crying while my music blasts throughout my ears. Anything to numb the pain. While I once again passed your city streets, I felt the heartbreak grow and grow for just this moment until I felt floods of tears come down my face. Maybe it was the rush of the train, or the loud music, or the sun setting that helped the arrival of tears but man I haven't cried this much in so long. You're never coming back to me, are you?
This little Montreal voyage Amanda and I shared was much harder for me than I thought. I'm back home now, eager to finish writing this before anyone comes asking about how my trip went. I was already on a week thinking of you when the train emerged into the light of Montreal city, I felt my body freeze. That returning pain of the freeze-numbness sensation. As my music played and the tall buildings got closer, the thought of you quickly came to my mind. During our many Uber rides, I'd scan the people on the sidewalk, quickly identifying if any of them were you. You mise well own this town because when I come to Montreal, it's only you I'm thinking about. Your new place of home. On our first day, we were walking along the streets outside our hotel, and there was a guy sitting on the steps of his apartment complex. I didn't turn my head fully, but from the corners of my eye, I swore it was you. So close to where I was staying. I felt his eyes look up at me for a moment, so I pretended to play with my phone... I thought about that moment for the rest of our time in Montreal. Could it have actually been you? If it was, would you have said something? From that moment on any time we'd walk down the street to grab something, I'd always steal a look at that apartment complex, because if I was lucky enough they'd be sitting out there again, and I could really see if it had been you. But, I'll never know. The point of all of this is that for the utmost entirety of my trip, I thought about if I might see you. Even as Amanda and I were at the station, waiting in line to board our train going back home, I pictured you being there. Running into the centre of the train station, and looking for me only to rush towards me inching for a hug goodbye. The same thing with the complex, I was imagining you coming down from the apartment steps and introducing the approach for a hug. Not a regular hug, however. Specifically, the long-awaited, heavy-hearted, full of desire and heartbreak hug. Where you really hold each other, and it's tight and warm, and your cheeks are buried into the other person's shoulder.
None of this matters though. You knew I was in Montreal and didn't make any sort of move towards meeting up with me. Shamefully, I made note to post regularly on my Instagram stories during our trip, for the sole reason for you to see them. I think it's the only way you can ever see what I'm up to, cause I know you watch them. Even just if you're aimlessly scrolling, you'll end up seeing it. I put locations so you'd even know the area. This sounds so concerning and pathetic, I know, but I was hooked on the off chance that you might reply and say something along the lines of either wanting to see me or just a virtual conversation about the reasoning behind Amanda and I's summer trip. I don't know, maybe it's that during these last almost 3 years, I've had numerous made-up scenarios where I bump into you in Montreal. Where we both happen to just walk along the same street, and one of us calls out to the other, or we both notice one another at the same time. And then, the talking, the emotions, and then boom, my puzzle is whole again. But nope. All of this is stupid. All of this is dumb. I sat on that fucking train today and cried like a little bitch. Sitting on the window seat of the train, I bawled my fucking eyes out. You have not the slightest clue how hard it was to cry so silently. My Airpods were blasting so loud that maybe I wasn't so quiet. Who cares, I didn't get any looks. I just sat there, tears streaming down my face. The train was going backwards so fast and the city buildings were running by me so tightly, it made for the most wannabe main character moment ever. This is another time where I appreciate mandatory face masks because I wouldn't have been able to hide my tears so well if nothing had been covering my tear-stained face. I think in that breakdown moment, these were the songs that hit the hardest.
Top 3 T.H.C. Numbing Sad Songs (right now)
1. Great One - Jessie Reyez
In the movie, Someone Great. I thought the movie demonstrated how I feel about you in a really promising way, and so the song just brings so much value and connection where it's being listened to.
2. In My Room - Chance Pena
This song carries out the aid in the freeze-numbness effect. Espesically on the train, as my vision was blurry from the tears waiting to drop down my cheeks, the background melody to this work of musical art peacefully buried itself in my aching heart.
3. Noisy Sunday - Patrick Watson
I think you'd like this one. It carries out more of a style that you might appreciate. I for one think it's beautiful. As if actual soul and poetic vocalists merged their way into my eardrums. Gives Twilight vibes, which is always a positive. Another good song to use when remembering old memories of someone you used to know, and wondering if you'll ever have the chance to see them again.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about. The first paragraph of this chapter was from right after I had gotten myself to stop crying. It's a little messy and unfinished so I want to re-illiterate what I felt in that moment. When the train started, and I was noticing the now promised realization that I wouldn't see you, I wanted to feel the pain. Like listening to the playlist when I'm coming home from my dad's, but more intensely because I'm in your city. As soon as I was sure Amanda had fallen asleep, I turned my music in my Airpods so high that anything else around me ceased to exist. I just wanted to be all in that moment of numbness, and it overtook me. A couple of tears formed, it wasn't until the train had started moving backwards that the last sight of Montreal and you really hit me. If you had made no gesture into seeing me, and there was no universally put intersection of gaze, there was never going to be. It was only in the bathroom of L'Olympia, that I realized just how stupid I was for holding onto your promise of coming back after 5 years. What a fucking stupid lie. How could I ever be so gullible into actually thinking you'll still want to be with me again after so much time apart. Overall, it's a shitty feeling that we'll never get back together again, and I'll probably still never be able to move on from it, but man, all these past months of stress and discomfort, came out while on the train tonight. I apologize for my lesser organized grammar, I'm mostly just ranting on a high (both cannabis and adrenaline).
I hate to start rambling and repeating, but I just wanted to really make you understand what I felt tonight. It was so painful, but also so exhilarating. I really wanted to see you. Even just for a few minutes. Those few minutes would've never left my mind.
One thing I forgot to mention was how anytime I would scan the people walking on the street, I would almost notice someone who resembled you, consistently. I think that gave me the realization of how generic you are. Average-built, tallish white boy with flowy brown hair. there was this moment I tried to prove to myself that I could spot someone who resembled you at least once every 5 minutes and I greatly succeeded with time to spare. So why is it that while you have no distinct features that are different from many others, why do I find you so incredibly beautiful? Maybe it's your dimples or your bright blue eyes. Maybe it's your laugh or the way you made stupid jokes. I don't know. You're in the past. Still a constant in my head, but that isn't you anymore. You don't know me anymore. I wish you did, but I can't control that.
I'm going to go unpack now. As always, I hope you're doing well. Stay safe. x
- J
