12/19/2022
One thing I loved most about what we had is knowing I would've lived a life worth living with you. Just based on the picture I took of you in the water makes me think about all the other memories we would've created. They would've been filled with nature and mountains and rainy days and cafe rooftop outings and hikes and I would've felt so incredibly socially successful. People working 9-5 office jobs would beg for what we had, and all we would be able to do is teach them how to take in the moment and do things that scare them. We would've put Yes Theory to shame. All those perfectly candid shots of couples people aspire to create, we'd be the ones in them. Spending a life loving you and loving each thing we'd do would keep me incandescently happy and grateful for decades to come.
I think that's just what you bring to the table, though. I've never been that kind of person. I'm mostly lazy and I miss so many things purely because I lack the energy to fulfill them. That's why I loved you the way I did, you brought out a part of me that felt ignited by the earth and your adventurous personality lifted me in ways that I felt motivated. You never pushed me, you just wanted to experience amazing things with me and I felt effortlessly happy in doing so. Without you, I'll never have the life I've described above. Without you, I'll continue to watch my life live itself without me. I wanna tell you that I'll try to live my dream left independently or in my own new way but, I won't. I'll watch you live yours from the screen on my phone and smile a little bit knowing at least you're happy.
I'll be happier one day, just not today. Not for a while. Not while you're still on my mind. Goodnight, T.
- J
