10/30/2022
Over the past few days, I feel like I've been trying to convince myself that maybe I read you wrong. When we were together, I always felt this sort of reciprocation and I always felt loved by you. But maybe there wasn't actually anything there. Did I fall for your charm? Did I ever really know you?
All that time I was feeling this constant rush of true, real love but maybe that was just how I felt. Maybe all those times you said you loved me, it was just how regular people love. Was I the only one to feel something different with you? An undescribable passionate adrenaline-filled love only felt by one out of the two party members. Were you just all one big lie?
My one year with N was a few days ago. He and I drove down the same long foresty highway we once drove through on our way to the cottage. It was almost nostalgic, thinking about the irony between going on the same long stretches of road outside of the city, with two different lovers, each on a special occasion. While he and I didn't travel as far as we did for the cottage, the whole day made me think of you. I mean, don't get me wrong, it didn't affect his and my anniversary lake picnic at all, and I had an amazing time with him, but, you still crossed my mind. It was in random moments, between songs or between street signs, the thought of your effect on me caused an internal frustration. On the quiet drive home from N's and I's anniversary, I thought to myself, "What was so special about him?". I thought about how you never got me anything, and how N had just gifted me some new posters and comics. I thought about how appreciative of him I was, and it made me feel resentment towards you. But through this, as best I as could try and convince myself that he's better than you, I knew I was lying to myself. He's great, so great, and I feel so much love for him, but, he'll never be you. Then I thought about it, even more, a few minutes ago and I realized, you did give me things, they were just never physical. It was never material items or physical gifts, it was acts of kindness. Surprising me at the airport, planning the proposal at the beach, bringing flowers for my mom on the day of my grandmother's funeral, even just preparing your car with fun activities for the weekend at the cottage. All of it was better than physical gifts. I just never realized it. I'm not a materialistic person in any way, but I think it's just more societally desired because of the capitalist norms of the world. So, doing acts of kindness rather than gifts is of less value, even though it should be a priority value in this context.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's been a little over 3 years since you left and I still can't make up my mind about how I feel toward you. There have been a lot more feelings of hatred and frustration, but that numbness will always coexist within each feeling associated with you.
Hope you're well.
- J
