You, won't get out of my head

me: 2009 bella

I never realized how depressed I became after you left until now. Until now, I don't miss you like I used to. I don't crave or yearn for you to come back. It's been almost 4 years, and my outlook on you has just.. weakened. I still think about you, and the connection we shared from time to time but, I'm over waiting. I mean, I've never really thought of myself as waiting for you but, I thought there might be a chance one day when you do come back. But, that's silly. I think as a positive reminder of you, I'll keep you in my memory forever, just to remember what it felt like. That kind of love that just hits so differently. I think I'm just tired of hurting. I'm experiencing new situations of hurt and guilt and I just don't have time to miss you anymore. I'm not ecstatically happy with my social life or self-esteem right now but, I'm in a raw and comfortable relationship now and it feels so good. Writing to you just feels like another reason to feel guilty. While you never answer, or ever read these, it's still wrong. 

I've completely run off track with what I was saying at the beginning of this. I never realized how depressed I became after you left until now. I spent all my senior year and another 2 years or so thinking about you. Every day, for hours on end. At the end of each night, I'd think about how broken I felt with you being gone. All I did during senior year (before COVID shut everything down) was have music blasting in my earphones. Every class I could, I'd just stare at the blackboard and drown myself in music. Not talking to anyone. Lone-wolf taken to a new level. I stand by this reference with every inch of my heart, unironically, I felt like Bella from Twilight in New Moon (Video Clip Attached Above). That one scene where Bella is sitting in a chair, just blankly staring at the window. The seasons go by and she's still there, just sitting and staring out the window. Just kinda.. there.. but not. So painfully numb. All I did was drown it out with music. So much Lil Peep, so much Mac Miller. So much MGK. It was nuts. But it was so good and music (in the most emo way) was my saviour. It brought me back to life while simultaneously worsening the numbness. Depending on the music mood because there was so also much Bon Iver. So much Bennet Coast. Just, sad, slow music. Anyway, music was the only thing that helped me out a bit. The point is, over time I got out of that depression. The only real shitty thing is that I lost a lot of friends because I just stopped caring enough to put the effort in. Other than that, that depression-heartbreak-era for me has ended and I'm fine now. So, just being here now, and looking back, I realize how much you broke me. I don't know you anymore. You're a stranger, a ghost. I haven't seen you in almost 4 years. Why should I keep missing you when the only trace left of you is the one in my head? Just.. memories. 

Okay fine, I'll admit it, I wanted to write because I've been thinking about you a bit these last two days. I think it struck me when I was talking with Luca. Member him? He went to school with you, and he was my coworker for a while before quitting. Well, he came back to work recently and we were catching up. It was funny to me that he remembered how you and I were once together, but also being friends with my current partner. We didn't talk about you, it'd probably be awkward, but your name plus the high school you guys both attended were recalled. Funny guy, he even asked if anyone was still active in the clan we were all in on Clash of Clans. Anyway, just from that very small real-life (not in my thoughts) reminder of you, it made me think about you a little bit. I just miss ya. I don't know. Not even a lot, just a little so don't get that twisted. This chapter's a mess. 

I wanted this to sound like a cool, 'finally letting go' chapter but, I don't know. I was in my depressed poet vibe. Have yourself a nice night, 

J