02/26/23
The more time that passes after the end of our relationship, the more I think about what was really real. We were happy all the time, we never fought, we were in a Hallmark Movie for 90% of our relationship. But that's just it, we never had the chance to test our relationship in a realistic way.
I realized, we only were together for 5 months. That's it. I've been in a relationship for almost a year and a half now. In that, I can say that we have realistically argued and bickered about common relationship concerns. But with us, it was just 5 months. Most of it was the honeymoon stage, where everything is roses and sunshine. So, was any of what I felt real? Or what is just part of the process of being with someone new and getting to learn about them and what they are interested in?
Maybe it's because it's been so long since you left that I can't actually remember what it was like to be with you anymore. I can't remember the detailed components of our attraction or whether or not we had any real moments of arguing. I remember being an insecure little bitch all the time, and always being jealous of you innocently talking to other girls. I remember one night you became so frustrated and so disappointed at how I was never able to trust you, causing me to sit back and realize that I needed to change my ways. But even with that moment, you were so patient with me throughout everything, and you could never actually stay mad at me. It was amazing every, single, fucking day I spent with you. But, if we never thought about the future or ever got a chance to test our communication skills, what's to say we would've ever lasted past August? More so, how long do you think we would've realistically lasted if you hadn't had to leave?
Maybe it's because the stronger N and I get, the more I realize we were just a fantasy. Being with N has given me the chance to watch how comfortable two people can get around each other. I've never been my truest self around anyone until I met him. We bring out each of our nerdy sides, we go on adventures, and we talk like adults about adult things. Our communication isn't the best in heavy discussions but, at least what we go through is real. It makes me realize that what we had, was just a honeymoon stage, fantasy relationship. But again, maybe it's because it's been so long that all I can see our relationship as is a fantasy, nothing real. Maybe I'm forgetting about all the real moments we shared, and the possibility that our relationship was anything but a fantasy, and was instead the most raw form of sincere and true love.
Maybe because we only had 5 months, we never gave the relationship time to fail. And it's in that that gives the reasoning toward why I continuously favour my memories of you. All we had were good times, and all I felt with you was true and raw passionate love. So, if we had had the chance to fight like normal people do, maybe I wouldn't still be so attached to what we had.
As I fall more in love with N, I lose the pressure of being so hung up on you. And it gives me this freedom that I haven't felt in years. It's relieving and plentiful and I want more of it. But I find, nothing lasts enough to completely break the connection I have to you. Really, at this point I just want you to come back into my life and break my heart again. I want you to intentionally make me see how over me you are, and how there's no part of you that wants me back. I need you to kill any chance of us being together again the future, so I can live my life in peace. Because, for as long as I feel there's a chance at us again, someday, I'll never get over you. You'll never get out of my head. I will always love you. Even now, when you're a complete stranger to me, the 2019 version of you still exists in my head, and the 2023 version of you still makes me crave you.
So long as we have this Earth, we'll meet again (maybe).
- J
