08/23/2022
10:21 PM
Hey again, did you forget about me? It's been a while. I don't even know why I'm here, writing this. I think I just missed writing about you, and it gave me a good excuse to write out all the small thoughts that have been floating around my head during these past unwritten months.
Just a few days ago, I thought about how long it's been since I really missed you, really felt the freeze-numbness from you leaving. I realized that every time my boyfriend and I's relationship was going well, you disappeared from my thoughts. I felt good about the fact that you wouldn't be in my head so much, until yesterday, when I realized the cycle will never end.
Maybe it was all the pictures you posted on your Instagram story. You with all your friends, seeing you play as a goalie again. Definitely that picture of you half undressed from your goalie clothes made me reminisce on how absolutely handsome you are. Seeing you with all the people we went to prom with, got me thinking about who you used to be, and I began to crave knowing how you are now. You've changed so much, but I know that part of the old you is still there. I just miss the way things used to be. While I feel grateful for the life I'm living now, the friends I have, and the amazing boyfriend I do love, I'll always miss you. No one will ever make me feel the way you did.
It's even crazier because during these past couple of weeks I've realized our relationship probably wasn't as great as I thought it was. I think it was just the every-week dates or the way we'd stare at each other for a few seconds and just smile. But, it's like, you never tried. I always thought you truly did care for me and love me, but if it really was as perfect as I remembered it to be, why didn't you try to keep me? I'll never understand why we never even inched into a conversation into ways we could possibly make it work. Not once did you ever have a second thought about wanting to bring me along into your new life. I only realized all of this after my boyfriend spoke to me the other day and explained how he himself wanted to make things work. He thought about the stupidity of choosing to mutually break up at the end of the summer due to school. We began discussing the ways in which we could still spend time together, be together, all while keeping up with our academic schedules. He told me, "I don't wanna lose you." and he meant it. He said, "I want to make this work because I think what we have is worth it." and so he did something about it. What did you do? You kept your mind settled. You might've never loved me as much as I once thought you did, but in my eyes, you lost what could've been one of the best love stories ever.
I don't wanna make this a negative nally chapter, so I'll conclude it with a beautiful memory.
Do you remember the first time you took me to Dylan's cottage, and we walked out to the end of the dock? We laid down on our backs, and just peacefully watched the stars twinkle in the moonlight. For those few minutes before Anna came and interrupted our little moment, I felt everything just disappear apart from you and those stars. Thank you for that.
I always hope you're well and happy,
- J
