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I'm voice texting this because I'm just too into my head and only words are making sense right now even though writing is easier. When I come across old videos of you I look at you in a way that I've never looked at anyone else and it goes to show how truly deep I still and will ever forever feel completely connected to you. When I look at other people that I had feelings for it all came from a sort of just frontal expression and emotion and I would always need to have these inner thoughts of deciding whether or not they were attractive or unattractive, if they were funny or not very funny or if they were smart and passionate and all these different things. But when I look at things of you and when I think of you all that comes across my head is that you're just the person that will forever have a hold on me, you're just too completely perfect and everything with your existence that I just don't know how to explain it.
03/04/22
Sometimes it'll give me so much joy in thinking of things that remind me of you. I was enjoying a night with my friends Jon and Will, in the basement of another's friend's house as I queued Just What I Am. We were all jamming when I felt the memory of the song with you. I felt the same glorious feelings of enjoying the song with you again. The same syncing of emotions, the same joy, the same passion. Usually, the memory of things linked to you makes me feel numb, but others times it reminds me of that same joy. That same feeling of true happiness within the world. I write this as my boyfriend is asleep on my lap and Jon is playing Mario Sport or something. Why do I still feel things for you? I don't. I shouldn't.
12:59 AM, 03/08/22
There's only one film that almost captures our story, and it's Someone Great (2019). In their story, they meet at a party and fall instantly for each other. Although after many years of deep feelings for each other, the female lead has to move away. The male lead feels the long distance will cause too much trouble. They split up shortly before it's her time to leave. Throughout the entire film, she's reminded of what they had and all she can think about is how much she wanted him back. She finally sees him a few days later at another party, they carry out this intense numbing eye contact, but she walks away, realizing she must forget about him because it wasn't just the distance that caused the issues.
I watched that film again tonight and it made me wince at the stupidity of the movie in itself. This of course is due to how much of an accurate representation it is to us. I know you didn't care for trying long distance. I hated how in the movie, they never had their closure either. Like, this movie is supposed to offer me a happy ending, a little light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Unfortunately, that light just isn't there for the female lead or me. She sits on a fountain park bench beside the two character's initials marked together. He walks over and brings out a plea to try the distance. He says he doesn't know how to exist without her and he wants to try because he had regret leaving her. While the moment plays, she looks at him with sweet innocence and admiration. Although, the moments play in her head. Instead of him being there, she's laying on the bench alone. The made-up scenario playing in her imagination then abrupts suddenly as her friends accompany her. It's only then that she realizes her truth. While her epiphany inspires her, it makes me wince in frustration as they too, never got their closure. At that moment in the movie earlier, when she saw him for the first time again after they split, everything felt frozen in time. The look in both their eyes told such a fascinating story, but their mouths never opened. His body language told a poem about wanting to reach out to her, but his arms stayed still by his hips. They never talked, they never told each other what they were feeling.
That's all I ever wanted. If I could never have you back, I just wanted to talk. You don't understand how much I want to randomly run into you at a coffee shop. For you to pull me aside and strike up a catch-up chat. For us to remain in flowing conversation as the coffee workers begin to close up, and everyone else has already left. We're kicked out of the shop because they're closed for the night, and we begin our way to a nearby corner store. We grab snacks and watch the sunset on a large hill, making sure we've reconnected in every way verbally. Yet, none of that is real. Just like her park bench scenario. I don't even think we'd ever work again, you've ruined me. If we ever got back together, I'd be reminded by the constant feeling that I spent years still thinking of you, and you've been out there with a fresh mind that didn't contain our past. I would always love you more. But sometimes I think I wouldn't even need you to love me more, as long as you're happy being with me.
Anyway, my computer is at 2%, enjoy this 3 in 1 event of mess and gross feelings I wanna get out of my head.
I like the way you style your hair now, still getting used to the glasses.
- J
Song for that coffee shop scenario moment with us,
Doomed, Moses Sumney
Song for when you want to vibe,
Comfort Zone, Yot Club - because it sounds like Bryce Vine a bit and you used to love his music.
