02/11/23
4:31 AM
hey. i think i'm missing you again.
I've been wanting to write again but I can't exactly figure out my main argument. Maybe I'll follow-up with another chapter when I've had time to sort through my thoughts. All I can really say right now, is that it's been a while since the last one.
I had a dream of you last night, I hate that I can't remember the details but can feel the ghost of your memory in my head. This time it actually looked like you, not the you that I remember first hand. In that dream I could feel close to you again, only for you to just fade into ash. I think I mostly only dreamt of you because I was looking at new found photos. Just sitting on the edge of my mattress, holding the phone while I studied a picture of you right before turning my phone off and going to bed.
I want to write the most poetic and soft spoken shit about you but all that comes out is desperation and middle-school articulation. I loved you, you were the best thing that ever walked into my life. In all these new faces and experiences, you're the only person I want to be beside for the rest of my life. And this, this book of mine, all these chapters, it's a fucking cringe-fest of written disappointment and regret. I can't share these books with anyone, I have to hide these like someone's very own drug addiction. I'm with someone for gods sake. That's the worst part, he loves me and has always showed me love, and I'm also glad I met him but, I have to hide these things because he'll never understand. I'm his first everything so how could he ever understand this? He'll never be able to grasp the fact that I can love someone, but still be drawn to the core by someone who broke my heart into a million fragments of glass. He should never have to feel second, I'd never want to hurt him like that. So, for the sake of everything, he can never know.
And in these walls, where it's just you and me, I lie awake and think about how special you are. How beautiful and soft you are. My life would be so different right now if I had never laid beside you that night on that very uncomfortable couch. With all the people you could've possibly met that night, why me? How could you ever feel something for me in the first place? Was any of it real? All our late night talks, and fantasies about our future travelling together, was any of that honest? I look at you now and see a whole different person, and often times I forget that there was a time you loved me. There was a time where you and I shared a bed together, kissed each other goodnight, held hands while walking around.
And god how were you ever so patient with me? I was mad at something new every 5 minutes because I knew how well you'd handle it. I was so insecure and negative for half our relationship I have no idea why you loved me. I wish I could show you how much you deserve the truest and most sincere love. I would've given you everything, just to see those bright blue eyes again. While I still wish to meet you again, time goes by and I realize you'll live such a better life without me in the way. You are meant for great things, and I think I'll be okay just watching from the sidelines. Maybe I'll live to succeed in great things as well but, I'll always want to be supporting yours.
Maybe I'll see you in another lifetime.
- J
