02/27/2022
You ruined me.
While I'm in a sort of challenging relationship with my current boyfriend, our problems have nothing to do with the thought of you still on my constant mind.
It's horrible for me to think about you when I'm dating him. But, at the same time, it doesn't affect my relationship at all in a fucked up way. Sometimes your existence actually helps me to think clearly about my current relationship. I thought of the idea last night, and it theorizes how I can see that he doesn't value me the way you did. I don't feel loved, he doesn't treat me like he's entirely in love with me. The lack of any verbal reassurance or physical action indicates how sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me.
If it wasn't for you, and the way I felt when I was with you, I would never have realized just how amazing and beautiful real love can be.
We definitely have our issues, but he really makes me happy sometimes, and I'm hoping we can work on our issues, especially since you're never coming back.
Yet anyway, aside from him, I went to my dads again today. While my family and I hiked by icy rapids, the adventure in itself gave me a feeling of travel. Looking at the views above the mountains or beyond the trees, made for an experience I wish was with you. An experience I could see is do, while we soak in every moment of the world's beauty and simplicity.
I thought about how you've been travelling throughout costa rica and how many beautiful things you must've seen.
Besides the production of that daydream; on the way home from my dads, while I sat in the backseat of my sisters car surrounded by black skies, I remembered the old playlists. For months, on late drives back from dads, I'd listen to the playlist of songs I collected during the hardest months post-you. I would listen to beautifully sad songs, mostly Bon Iver, and just let myself feel the numbness take me over.
While I feel I haven't done that late drive routine in months from not visiting my dad as much, I did tonight. While certain songs played, I was surprised to fall so quickly back into the pit of complete consumption by heartbreak. I remembered the weirdly comforting feeling of thinking of you and letting myself crumble inside, the tear build-up inching to let itself out. Alongside the mental feeling, a made-up scenario between us produced itself into my mind to aid in it's ruining.
• I was at a bar, and I spot you. I feel myself swell at the sight of you and all the memories you come with. Amanda pressures me into going up to you and saying hi. I do so, but you're half there, not completely in the conversation. The catch up is quick, and you don't seem very moved by the conversation, watching your new girlfriend come by and pass you your drink. All while I stand there next to you in its entirety of numbness and frozenness. Feeling every memory rush through my head, every mental wince from after you left. The conversation was short, and you went back to your friends. By cascading disappointment, I walked outside the bar to sit on a bench nearby and just cry. I'd think about how you've moved on, how I'll feel the pain forever. The final puzzle piece that's never found. After a while, you'll leave the bar with your friends and catch me crying. You'd tell your friends you'll catch up with them, and stop to talk to me. You'll tell me you were just distracted earlier, and you'll ask me why I'm crying. I'll tell you, "Oh it's nothing don't worry about me, I saw an old friend and it just didn't go how I wanted it to.". You'll then offer me a hug anyway, and I'll ask if your girlfriend is going to be okay with that. You'll say she doesn't mind, and in that moment, I'll be able to really look at you and notice how much I've forgotten about your big blue eyes. I'll then go in to hug you, and we'd both feel everything come back to us. I'll begin to cry more against your chest, and you'll just hold me, whispering "it's okay, babe" then realizing you've just said babe as it felt natural again just for a moment.
Do you remember when you visited me again after moving to Montreal. I'm not even sure I've ever written about that time in any of these books, but it was one of the best days of my life. Being able to be with you again in this friend-ex tension filled way was so therapeutic. I won't go into that day right now, but maybe in a future chapter. The point of this was to mention how when you did visit me and times on text months after our breakup, you'd accidentally call me babe. That mistake was always so thrilling to me.
•After the hug, you'll tell me that there's always going to be a part of you that loves me, that realizes we are for each other, but says we can't be together. Not right now. You're with your new girlfriend and I've come back at the wrong time. After that, you'll kiss me on the forehead and walk back to catch up to your friends. I'll stand there and think about you, and how I was given just that opportunity of talking with you again. I'll think about waiting for you, and just trusting that if it's meant to be, it'll happen.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt, I really do just enjoy writing about the real real things that run through my mind sometimes. Don't think that I'm this obsessed ex girlfriend, I'm just someone who happens to have experienced being truly in love with someone, and also have an interest/hobby in writing.
Do take this with a pound of salt though, you ruined me. I don't think there will ever be a time where I forget about you like I've forgotten about others. You will always be a part of me and my place on this earth.
-
"I think I lost you sooner than I wanted to
And I know you can't say the same
But I can't hate you for doing what you've gotta do
Cause I'm just in bed sleeping through the pain
Do you see wasted potential when you look at me
Of what we could be if it wasn't like this
I know you asked me not to try and change myself
But when I was with you I felt fixed
Just like autumn, you left with winter
And I am all alone
I just hope that you're doing better
Without me holding you down
I'm proud of you regardless if you're missing me
Cause you're the best person I know
I think I lost you sooner than I wanted to
But I think you already know"
Sooner, The Low Blow
-
I am proud of you regardless, you look like you're doing well. I'm so proud your on your pathway of travelling. I hope school is going well for you, and I hope Dar is treating you well. I picture that you haven't seen Dyl in a while, you should. You guys were always the best trio.
Stay safe, have fun.
- J
