10/11/2022
Everything was a mistake, and all of it was a lie. I should've never made that first book, none of this would have existed. These books are just a constant reminder that I continued to feel things for you when you had no desire to even perceive my existence.
I wanted to write the other day and tell you how much I hate you now, but even then I didn't mean it. I just wanted to make myself feel better by insulting you. Getting that picture that James sent of you guys in the club shook me to my core. Seeing you on Instagram was one thing but seeing you with someone I know and still talk to, and who only knows you from me, was so surreal. I don't even want to get into how I felt because I'm past those emotions and if I rethink it I'll just get upset again.
I just keep having dreams of you. Woke up early to continue studying for the midterm I have today but, all I could keep thinking about was the dream. You kept coming to my campus and I'd see you almost every day. We never talked, but there would be social groups where we'd both be there and I'd grow awkward just pacing to see if you'd join the conversation I was in.
I think I can thank the picture with James for this but, my dreams follow the new you a bit more than they did before. The you I knew before you left is finally becoming dust in my head and because I don't even know the real you, you're becoming dust in my head too. I continue to think about you from time to time, but in each time I do, I'm reminded of my patheticness and I cringe. It's so hard trying to realize you never cared, and you never really wanted me forever. You told me to wait, and that's the biggest betrayal I've ever been exposed to.
I'm more comfortable with Nickon than I ever was with you, so why is it that you still can make me feel the pit of emptiness from just a snap sent to my screen?
