11/30/2024
3:14am
Not sure what to say,
just checking in.
Listening to Big Red Machine by Aaron Dessner, thinking about you. Cleaning out my desk drawer today, came across all of the pictures we took in the photo booths at the different malls. God there was so many. We made it a little tradition didn't we?
Now I'm listening to Re: Stacks by Bon Iver. Did you know that Bon Iver also makes music under 7 different names? That's 7 different music accounts, where he just posts masterpieces, all a bit different. Imagine a person absolutely loving each of his accounts and having no idea they're all the same person. Haha.
I really miss you.
I really miss talking with you. We never ran out of things to talk about. I wonder what would've happened if you had never left. Would it have been too hard to do the distance? Would we have just ended badly? Or would we still be together, almost 5 years later. Would you have ever wanted to see me as your wife?
I got my G license a few days ago. I finally did it. Just in the nick of time too before my license was set to expire. I really did it. You'd be so proud of me.
I really don't want anyone else. I can't see a life worth being happy about unless you're in it.
Now I'm listening to Beach Baby, also by Bon Iver. You know what I thought about.. picture this; these books, sitting on my bookshelf in the small library in my cottage house. I'm married to someone else, and one day my daughter stumbles upon these books. Curious, she reads it. She sees her mothers name at the end of the last chapter of You. She brings them to me and wants to know more. I spend all afternoon with her, telling her about the boy I never stopped thinking about. The young love I experienced. I go on to show her all the old photos and keepsakes. She'd ask, "Where is he now, why didn't you ever reconnect?". I'd have to tell her it's too late now, but wherever he is, I hope he's doing well.
This feeling will never fucking go away. The way I feel for you, it's suffocating, even just for the small moments it comes.
You made me feel fucking whole, what am I supposed to do now?
