05/05/2022
I did force myself back into reality shortly after I ended the last chapter, but you still stayed on my mind. Something about tonight was so different from every other night. I felt things I hadn't felt in a long time. But at the same time, it's like I was watching two people in a relationship. Two people I once knew, but didn't anymore.
I planned to watch a few old edits of us before bed just to get that last fix of seeing you. And once again, something felt different. I've looked through my saved photo album of you a thousand times but this time gave me this entirely different feeling. For some unknown reason it's made me feel like you're actually still in my life, that I'm seeing you again soon.
But I'm not, and you're gone. Hours ago I stood in front of the mirror and called myself stupid. Stupid to think that there's still hope in ever seeing you again. Ever feeling that same love again. It's unfair how I can't ever convince myself that we'll never be together again. No matter what, I still believe you'll come back, someday, somewhere.
Looking at old messages you sent to me though, is just infuriating. 11/16/2019 you said to me, "You mean the world to me and forever will. Again, I'm sorry if this hurts you I'm very drunk but I fucked one girl since we broke up and that made me realize how no one will ever be as good as you and no one will ever compare. You are such a beautiful human being and don't ever forget how much good you can do for the world. I love you and always will." (keep in mind I edited the spelling mistakes because you're drunk texts were terribly difficult to decipher). I wondered if you still felt the same way. Or I guess, how long you felt like that until that feeling faded. How long you felt like that until the void of losing me became full from someone new.
You left me. I loved you and you left. You never even tried to make a point of trying long distance. Montreal is not even that fucking far away. You just never wanted this to last, did you? You changed me forever and you're probably never going to realize that. I hate that I still wish you were beside me. I hate that like tonight, I think of you so deeply it feels like there's still a chance, when I don't even know you anymore. The person I look at in old pictures is someone I used to know, someone that doesn't exist to me anymore. Who are you? Who are you without me? Are you better, happier, fuller? Who am I without you? I'm not sure still, but it isn't full.
You said another time that you sat at the bar and thought about how no one will ever be me and you kept trying to fill the void but couldn't. Why is it that your void is most likely full of so many things now and my void is forever sunken deep within me, forever lost in my soul and forever hung on my heart. Fuck the void.
I'm so over this mentally exhausting day of thinking of you. It gave me so much joy in remembering old feelings but so much frustration in knowing I'm never getting over you. Please watch the movie Someone Great. It really reminds me of us.
Final continuation to this 3 part chapter extravaganza.
- J
