05/10/2024 6:36 AM
I had a dream about you this morning (technically yesterday, I haven't gone to bed yet). I hardly dream of you anymore, so I almost forgot what it was like to wake up and feel so numb, like your presence was just here, fading with each minute awake passing.
I was on a train, heading somewhere, I'm not sure. The train was passing through an underground subway station, and it slowed by a busy section of the station, as I saw big crowds of people waiting.
I scanned for you, like I always do. Every time I'm in Montreal, I scan the streets and the people for you. Thinking there's a chance I might spot you. In all the crowds I sift through with my eyes, in all the time I waste studying each passing face for mere seconds, I see so many people that look close to you, but never really you. I saw an artist perform about a week ago in Montreal, it was at this small bar venue. Right as I got comfortable in the middle of the small crowd in front of the stage, someone passed in front of me, joining their friends. For about 10 seconds, I lost the ability to breathe. For those 10 seconds, I thought the time had actually happened where I'd run into you. The back of that guys head really did look like yours.
While scanning the faces of the people waiting for their train, this time I actually caught yours. It was really you. You were looking down at your phone, or looking off in another direction, I can't remember. For those few seconds of the train stopping, I studied you. I wanted you to look up and notice me in the seat of the train across the tracks. But you never did. The train began to move again and soon we were back in the dark tunnel, going farther away from the station. I returned my gaze back onto the back of the seat in front of me, and smiled. I felt peaceful.
I reflected on this dream all day today. I thought of you all day today. Why did I feel peaceful? Why did I smile? You didn't see me, all I've ever wanted was for us to catch both our glances. But you didn't see me. Still, I felt happy. Relieved. I couldn't understand why. Normally I would've felt sad that it was one sided, like all of this has been, but something about the relief I felt as the train started moving again, I felt so complete. I'm envious now. Why can't this be real? Why can't I ever find peace since you've left? How can I still feel things for someone I don't even know anymore?
I miss you.
