07/09/22 @ 4:16 AM
Just got back from being out in downtown with friends, and a lot of tonight I spent subconsciously thinking of you, searching for you. I figured it was about time I write another chapter and so many parts from tonight's adventure inspired the output.
From the moment I saw that you were back in Ottawa, I got chills. I can't really explain why, but anytime you're back from being in Montreal, I get a little anxious. Just knowing you're closer to me vicinity wise, it just makes me wonder if somehow perhaps I've crossed your mind.
On the way to the pub we destined to drink at, I thought about you and how I'll never be able to be happy with anyone else, regardless of how good they might treat me. I just thought, if I never get the chance to be with you again, it'll forever be stuck in my mind how perfect it was with you. So, with every person I'm with after you, I'll think about what could've been. Yet, I also thought, what if you aren't the one. What if our relationship is just burned into my mind because we were just both young and in love and everything was great and we didn't have to worry about much of anything. Like, what if I've spent the last 3 years feeling numb over the loss of us and you're not even the one for me. I don't know, I'm so tired and post-drunk I just can't really formulate my feelings. I just was in the car, looking out the window at the night sky and thinking of this. I just know that in conclusion, despite if you really are the one, I will forever want you back, and I will forever crave the chance of seeing you again.
So, tonight, while I was out in downtown, in parts that you've recently been, I started to subconsciously look for you in crowds of people. While my friends and I navigated through this never ending pub, full of hundreds of people, I scanned each table and bar looking at people who might resemble you. There were a few lookalikes who actually caused me to mentally pause, double check, then move on. There was even this guy, who I stood beside while trying to order drinks. It didn't take long for him to start making conversation with me, and the more he did, the more he reminded me of you. It was literally a blonde version of you, completely. The humour, the extroverted passion, the slight hyperness during any joke, just everything. Even the way he looked at me for a few moments had me trying to find a glimpse of you. Probably none of this makes sense, but talking to him made it so much easier trying to find a part of you in him.
Sometimes I think about the reality of you actually reading these, and I cringe. I write these in pure sincerity but then I realize that if you actually knew these books existed, you'd probably never look at me the same again.
All in all, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're having fun spending some summer time with your family, I really do hope to see you again.
After I'm finished with school, I'm so texting you. You might not ever respond, and even if you do things might not work out, but I'm not letting the chance fly away, I will see you again, I don't care what it takes.
Stay safe, J.
