You, won't get out of my head

relapse eek

03/13/2023

and just like that, you are so engraved in my soul today. the loss of you.

I had a dream of you last night. You and I among many others were in this haunted maze situation. I was sitting at a table with a stranger to my left, and you sitting on the left of that stranger. Just one person in between us. I felt myself getting overwhelmed with your presence so I got up to leave. A couple steps in I realized why leave, when I could attempt to converse with you or get some type of closure hug. When I went over to you, you shrugged me off and expected me to walk away closure-less. I was so hurt, I felt so broken. About half a dream later, we were in a busy crowd of people rushing to different rooms in the weird building we were situated in. A group of us were called into a room where everyone but us ended up going through an exit door. It left just you and I in that room, and with just a subtle pause, we embraced each other in a hug that healed a million scars. It got a little confusing afterwards but, just like that, with that dream, you're back on my mind in such a dark way.

I can't seem to comprehend how much my dream state remembers you, your face, and your mannerisms even when I don't remember them anymore. That's part of the reason I've moved on, I just don't remember much of you anymore. So these dreams, and the way they remember you so delicately just tear me apart. I'm on the train right now going to N's apartment, and all I can do is blast my old playlists that remind me of you. Bringing back all that past numbness. It's oddly enjoyable and healing. Just like a relapse, I'm back to where I was, just for today. I'll be over you again tomorrow, just let me have this moment of missing you.
That's it.
J