03/25/22
3:03 am
You're never getting out of my head. I lay in my bed some nights and think about how you're never going to fade in my memory. While I used to savour the thought of you, it haunts me now.
I thought of you today just looking at houses. I was on my way home from campus when I passed student housing. The architectural design of the houses and their appeal made me think of you.
I realized that the thought of you and us always brought me comfort. When I was with you, I felt safe, warm, loved. I always felt a sense of security in knowing that you were around.
So as I laid in my bed tonight and scrolled through social media, perfectly interconnected partners made me think of us. So while the memories came flooding back, everything inside me wanted to pull up the playlist and just watch old videos. I rewatched the edit I made of us, thinking about how you'll probably never see it in all its glory. Something about this time was different though, watching clips of you smile made me instantly feel myself tear up. I felt my cheeks burn up as I threw my phone away from myself, grabbing the nearest pillow in agony.
Why. In all these passing years, I still think of you. I still correlate my happiness to your existence. For the rest of my life, in thinking of perfect couples and perfect lives, I'll always think of you. It's unfair.
To make it worse, what's even more unfair is that I'm with someone new. It's utterly unfair for them to be in this placement in my head where you'll always he #1 and they don't have any idea. I love him, too. Just not the way I loved you. Don't blame me for saying that, I'm already blaming myself everyday. It's all so confusing and complicated but just let me figure it out, I'll be okay.
I haven't felt tears roll down my face for you in such a while, it almost felt therapeutic. It was just this sudden rush of frustration and missing you. I miss you so, so much but you've completely ruined me. I had my own problems to begin with, I certainly can't live with not being able to be happy without you. Fuck you, I love you, it's all the same thing nowadays.
Thank you, is what I'll say hereon-out. Thank you for allowing me to live out the best experience of love anyone may ever glorify. Thank you for showing me that humans of both sexes can interact and interconnect on a level that affects you one another for life until death. Thank you for extending the psychological theory of heartbreak related health issues and chronic stress.
Sweet Thomas, I wish I could still call you mine. I pinch myself at the desire to do so but, the selfish side of me says 'who's gonna know'. I hope you're doing well. My tear stained cheeks have dried up now, and my episode of missing you is fading again, until I regrettably create a scenario to help me fall asleep.
See you in my dreams,
- J
