05/04/2022
Many times writing these makes me ashamed, and I'll try to avoid it. Although, when there's something in the back of my head that I urge to write down, it gets the best of me. So here I am.
I had a day of magnificent realization, followed by the cycle of you. Let me break that down. For a moment a few days ago, I felt so in love that I actually felt the relief of your existence leaving my mind. I felt so happy with Nickon and so happy with how my life was going that it made me think of you. This time in a way where I felt I had actually moved on from you like you didn't have this hold anymore. That I was gonna feel okay, and actually be fully invested in my new life with him. That night I went out with friends and felt even more relieved of you.
Yet, just like clockwork, it led me back into the cycle of thinking of you. The cycle of you was a mental thing explained in a previous chapter, probably in a previous book. Where it's just basically how for a few weeks I feel moved on and completely rid of you but then that day will come (the trigger) that will send me back into the cycle of thinking of you for a week or two. It's been a never-ending continuum pattern for about 2 years. I'm not really sure if it'll ever end.
What aided in today's thought of you was another dream. Dreams being the most prevalent and intense triggers. It was split into two parts, where I woke up to use the bathroom, and fall asleep allowing for the sequence of memory altercation to continue. In this, we had plans to hang out. For you to come and see me, so we could just talk and hang out. I then spent the day rushing and cleaning myself up to look the best for you. While I pictured what it was going to be like when you finally came, I remembered I was in a relationship. Obviously I didn't want to cheat on him, but knowing you were coming over became my kryptonite. I like to think that in real life I'd have more self-respect and restraint. All in all, I began thinking about how I was gonna tell you I was in a relationship. If you wouldn't want to stay anymore for that reason, or if you'd try to be with me again.
This is when I arose for a morning pee.
In this continuation of the dream, Nickon was non-existent. It was just me and you. I again spent days cleaning myself up to look my best, all while nervously waiting for you to say you're on your way. But you never did. You put the plans off every day for what felt like weeks. Each day I thought would be the day. I remember not eating a lot each day and being prepared to expect you at any moment. I wouldn't say the intensity of this portrayed Cassie in Euphoria, I was just eager and I missed you. You didn't answer my texts very often, and it started to feel like early 2020 all over again, watching your texts deliver less often until they stopped completely. The dream slowly faded until it was nothing.
I've changed so much since you. My room's changed, I've changed, my friend group, my work, school, my love life, my personality, everything. I'm so entirely different from who I was and someone I still love you. There's still a part of me that misses your smile and sometimes I remember that maybe it's just a comfort knowing our past. I feel comfort in remembering what it felt like to feel truly seen and in love with someone. To feel so connected to someone that you feel at peace. To be on this frequency where it's just the two of you and nothing else matters. Fuck I feel myself falling again. Just now, this moment. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. sometimes by Chelsea Culter is playing in the background and it's making me remember how fucking happy I was with you. Thomas, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do this. I feel the uprise of tears surfacing my waterline and it's just making me angry. Why is it that there are some songs that are so incredibly burnt into my head that I can't listen to them without the accompanying memory of things we did together.
"I don't wanna miss somebody who's not missing me,
But the city feels so lonely when you leave"
Your Shirt - Chelsea Cutler
I didn't even want to write this stupid chapter and now it's making my eyes water all because I regained lost memories for a moment. I'm finally feeling really good in my relationship and it's so entirely selfish of me to not be completely with him. He'll cant ever know any of this, he'd be so hurt. It's like mental cheating. I'm not in love with you anymore, but I can't ever forget you. You'll be in the back of my mind every day until I die. Half of me fucking hates you for that but the larger, hidden part of me that I try to resist loves that I had the experience of being with you. To this day you were the sweetest, funniest most handsome boy I ever did meet.
This chapter was a mistake, get out of my head. I can't get the memory of your dimples out of my mind and I want to smile at the thought of it but it also makes me cringe.
I'm going to get my license this summer. I know, I still don't have it. But soon hopefully I will, if you care.
- J
