05/04/2022
Wait. I'm not done. I wanted to come back to this and continue the last chapter but on a new page. New feelings.
I'm in the middle of rewatching the video I took when you made Kraft dinner for us. Writing this as I'm watching you dance your heart out to various songs by MGMT. You are so incredibly cute, and so sweet to me. You always complimented me without me ever having to ask. You always put me first, and were always so patient with whatever I'd say. You always gave me the most perfect responses. I can't get over how cringey I was and I still don't know how you ever fell in love with me.
There was this one part of the video where I wanted to play Electric Feel and you mentioned how you only play it when your baked. Meaning as though it was the type of song you saved for special times. In the video I completely disregarded it and made you queue it for me anyway. I felt so disgusted with myself rewatching that. Like, I could've played anything else, especially since it was a special song for you. I was so inconsiderate. You did so much for me and I never deserved you.
It feels actually sort of calming having the video of us playing in the background as I write. Just watching you eat your bowl of KD, watching the old me smile as you say dumb things.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe you are reading these, but just never letting me know. If you do read these when they become public, just know I hope you're doing well. I'm so sorry that I never realized how amazing you were until after I left. I mean, I was so in love with you while you were still with me, but the extent to which you had this insane impact on me never became known until after. You were perfect. You were my person.
God you still make me nervous. I haven't seen you in so long that you make me nervous just by looking at you through the screen of my computer while I watch old videos.
I'm also sorry this is a turn to what my last chapter contained, but after I finished it, I couldn't help but recognize how much I was thinking of us, and how I wanted to indulge in the art of missing you.
There's this part of the video that's playing right now where I've just told you I think I look like a monkey and you then just kinda stand there shocked, before you tell me to 'come here' and you bring me into your chest. You then made a bunch of jokes and boy oh boy you're so cute. You always made me laugh and god you just were so perfect in everything you did. How were you always so calm, so patient.
The video playing in the background has just ended and I kind of don't know what to do with myself right now. It's like, I should just close my computer and do something else but I don't wanna stop this moment. I'm so high that watching old things of you is somehow making me feel like I'm there, or you're here. That we're together. I wanna keep rewatching old videos I've already rewatched a thousand times because for some reason right now it's making me feel so comforted by the memory of you that I don't want to leave it and I don't want this to end. Tonight has been so weird and I feel so attached to the memory of us right now. I don't want to shift back into reality or think about where I am right now. I'm laying in bed but right now I feel like I'm reliving this past experience and it's so nostalgic that I've forgotten what time it is or how late it might be in the night or the fact that I haven't replied to Nickon in hours.
I'm so sorry for all of this. The books, the never ending, almost obsessive hold I have on you. You just made me so happy, my mind won't ever let me forget it. And I don't want to. I'll never be able to tell you enough how different you were than others, how good of a person you were. I'm forever glad that Maddy invited me to that cottage party.
I might rewatch another video or two before moving on to do something else, forcing myself back into reality. Again, I hope you're doing well, and I hope you can consider yourself happy with how your life is going. Remember that you're too good for anyone, so never settle. Stay safe.
- J
