What's a bigger feeling than love?
Loss.
904 days since you've physically left but 0 days since you've mentally left my mind.
I hate that my mind still defends you, after I try to reason with myself about how I hate that I can't forget you. I still thinks of things we used to do, how it was with you. It kills me a little more each day knowing I'll never feel that happiness again. How I'll never experience that same love again.
I'm with someone. Someone new, since you. Maybe it's because I'm not in the healthiest relationship, but I find something comparing everything he doesn't do, to what you used to do. I'm not happy a lot of the time, but I want things to work between him and I. You aren't coming back, and I want a chance at not dying alone. He's amazing sometimes, I just wish it was consistent. I wish he sent me goodnight texts like he promised he would. I've even talking to him about you, more than once. The most important time being how I was honest to him about how I can't get you out of my head. He reasoned it to be because I never got to have closure, but it's because I'll always remember the love I felt for you.
I look at myself, and the things I do. I think about how I've changed, and how good of a wife I'd be for you. Change of topic, eh? I take care of people out of the goodness of my heart, I do things for others either physically, mentally or verbally and it brings me joy in knowing they feel comfort from my actions. It's always little things too; grabbing someone's drink for them when they're having trouble reaching it, striking a genuine conversation when someone is socially uncomfortable, getting a bean bag and tums any time someone mentions feeling ill. I notice people in ways I've always wanted someone to notice me. While there's a sad reasoning to my actions, it brings me joy making others feel noticed.
I think that's another reason why I'll always believe you were the one. You noticed me. The prime memory I have to give contextual evidence to that statement is when we were sitting outside at the cottage. We were bathing in the sun as I caught you looking at me. You had just been admiring me while I looked at the trees before you said, "you are so beautiful.". More so, look at this conversation I had with amanda just weeks ago while I was ranting about my weekly issues.
She asked me, "why were things better w him than w anyone else or even nickon (current boyfriend) specifically?"
I said, "I can't really put it into words. Everything was just, easy. The way we talked and worked and just were as two people it just felt, right. Idk. No matter what he did or how he looked I always felt like it was how it was meant to be. With him, I'd catch him looking at me and anytime I did he just looked at me with such love and admiration and we wouldn't say anything for some secs and I'd always feel at peace. He would notice me. He was the only person that I felt noticed others like I did, or like me and u do. I don't feel like nickon really notices me. Truth truthfully I've been in a really fucked headspace with nickon for a while, we just have a sort of not toxic but like fake part of our relationship where I mostly overthink things, but I just feel like he's not always honest with how he's feeling. But we talk more and I never wanna hurt him but the thoughts of Thomas make me feel trapped in my rela because I feel like I deserve to be numb alone instead of continue to be a bad girlfriend for having T thoughts ."
There's obviously a lot to unravel with my response but, truthfully I still don't have control over my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve nickon, but other times I feel like he doesn't deserve me. As well, it's not really much of your business to know about my current issues outside of my thoughts around you so, ending that conversation.
Why do you get to have the opportunity of knowing everything that's going on in my life inside these books but you're still a ghost to me. All I see if you post about pandemic mandates and freedom convoy protests. It almost seems like you're anti-mask but that's none of my business either. Since this book always seems to be brutally honest, I still look at your mom's Facebook every couple months to see if there's any new pictures of you. You still look good. But it's not you, it's this individual who I don't know and may never know again.
To think I wasn't gonna remember why I wanted to start a third book. Blame amanda, she told me to write my thoughts down. Definitely not in another book but, it's been on the back of my mind for a long while now.
I hate you for being a factor in the reason my relationship is not great. Sometimes I wish I never met you because then I'd still have yet to even know what true loss feels like.
Thank you and goodnight.
- J
