04/21/22
I don't really know you anymore, so am I supposed to mourn you. I've rewatched each recorded memory of us so many times to the point where I've memorized each frame and pixel.
I look at my life and know that while no one will ever make the feel the same way you did, you don't have a hold on me as much as you did once before.
Apart of me misses the days I spent thinking of you, of what we could've been. All of me knows I'll never completely allow myself to find happiness without you, but I'm gonna try anyway. I'm getting along fine, and I hope you are too. All of these books have been such an adventure for me, but I regret writing the first chapter every day. No I don't, that's a lie. I just hate to think of you actually reading these and cringing at the thought of you ever coming back to me. Because why would you? I was never good enough for you, in my eyes. You deserved more, and I was always such a pain. I've changed though. I think especially being in a new, challenging relationship has taught me a lot of things, and I find myself never getting mad over small things like I used to do. I just knew you'd always make me feel better so I got used to making a big deal out of things to get my desired reaction out of you. Which, I see know is really dumb and pathetic. I never get the desired reaction I want in my new relationship, so I've gotten used to just not making things a big deal. I still got bad anger issues though. But so does he so we know how to handle each other.
Telling you once again to listen to Beach Baby by Bon Iver.
Enjoy the little collage art I made of us from the cottage. I didn't really feel anything romantic while looking at those pictures, I just wanted to make a cool photo edit so I feel it's okay that I created it.
Hope you're doing okay,
- J
