12/16/2022
I'm not sure why I'm here, writing this. You're just on my mind right now. I don't even know what to say other than I miss you.
Im trying to focus on the show I'm watching but I keep wanting to just grab my phone and see you. Scrolling through your recent pictures, I'm probably about to start scrolling back through old pictures of ours.
Just knowing who are you makes me wonder why you ever chose me. Like, you are so freaking cool. You got to travel with your friends this past summer like you always wanted to. You're working out and you look great. Your personality draws in a thousand people and each of those thousand people want to stay, because you're humorous and humble and adventurous and smart and you have so many opinions about so many interesting things. You bring out the best in people and teach them to live in the moment. You're hugely into politics and the thing is you're so passionate about it, even when others don't see the things the way you see it. Someday, you'll make the most amazing husband, and the best and most caring father. You'll be happy, you'll feel fulfilled and you'll enjoy it because you'll have already done all the things you wanted to do before it. You're just so damn great and it just makes me feel so crazy knowing that I actually got to be your girlfriend once. I was your prom date, me. Your kids will ask, "Dad who did you go to prom with?" and for just a moment, you'll think of me. I can't tell if it'll be a regretful though, or a sincere one but I'll all for either one. I got to ride the Thomas bus for the best couple months of my life. I never deserved you.
I don't know why I can't get you off my mind right now, at 4AM but, man I fucking loved you. I never thought this whole heartbreak thing would last this long. Almost 4 years. Both of our lives are so different now but at the same time, I feel like you only just left. I have so many things in my current life that are frustrating and scary but nothing compares to the longing numbness I feel when it comes to you. I can't bare to exist in a world where I won't ever be able to call you mine again. This will forever be my secret diary all out on the table for you. I'll always want you back, no matter how long it takes. It's so disgusting for me to say this given my current relationship but I'm often reminded how I'll never love him the way I loved you.
Okay I just rewatched the first edit I made of us. I still wish you could see it. I made it like an old tape and it's really genuine and wholesome and lovey-dovey, all the cheesiness is 100% there. Anyway, I just couldn't stop smiling the whole way through. Watching old stuff like that is like a drug, being able to see how happy I was, how silly you were, everything. I really fucking miss you. Again, I just wish I knew you, and we still talked. I'll always want to just sit at a café with you and chat about what we're doing in our lives. A little café in a city like New York or Montreal or in a small town whatever. I just wanna know you. Not from seeing you online, not from other people, I want to know you know you.
I remember how hard it was for you to leave me after our last date. After you walked out my door, I ran towards it and opened it back up to say one more goodbye. The thing is, you were already about to do the same thing. For that few seconds before I raced to my door, you were just standing outside of it, not moving, just thinking, and just as I opened it up, you were turning around to do the same thing. What we had was true, real fucking love. Shit you see in the movies. It's not fair you're gone, it'll never be. I published this chapter a couple minutes ago but I've come back to add more because I still can't stop thinking of you. Do you remember at the cottage when we were on the couch and you broke down in front of me? You were so worried about me not being happy or excited about being at the cottage and then you ranted about wanting to truly help at least one person in your life. You cried about how you thought you helped me, but when I still ended up hurting myself, you figured you failed. I was never good at expressing my emotions but at that moment I knew I had to tell you. I tried to comfort and assure you the best I could but man, I just hope you know how great you are. How much you deserve.
Anyway, I really should be going,
I hope your life is good, I hope you're having a good sleep. Stay safe.
- J
