The Devil on Her Shoulder (gxg)

Part 5- My Best Friend

TW: This part discusses dieting, eating disorders, and sensitive weight topics.

I hate to admit it- but in some ways- well, in many ways- Mila made me who I am today.

I remember one time last year when we got into an argument she said, "Don't forget- I created you. I made you. You would be nothing without me."

And the worst part is- she was right.

I met Mila in my 9th grade Spanish class. I was shy, awkward, and always got made fun of for my body. My high school was two middle schools combined- and Mila came from the other one, so I didn't know her prior to high school.

I caught on to Spanish quickly- Mila didn't. We sat right by each other, so I started helping her. She seemed genuinely appreciative of my help. I was intimidated by Mila. She was gorgeous- she always had super cute outfits, she would talk a lot in class, and she just seemed so...confident.

She was everything I wasn't.

Mila and I got closer as the year went on- and we started to develop a genuine friendship. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time to this Mila. Because I knew her, yes. But I didn't really know her.

The end of my 9th grade year, she invited me over her house for a sleepover. Though her mother gave me disapproving looks, most likely about my body, Mila welcomed me in.

And since that sleepover- we were best friends.

I always felt like second best to Mila. But at the same time I loved being her friend. When she wanted to be a good friend, she was a really good friend. She would do anything for you. She was kind, encouraging, and would shower you in love and affection. There was a certain high I would get being around her.

But she had a mean streak that started coming out more and more as we became best friends. She was impatient. She had a complex like she knew everything. And if you even questioned her for a moment- she snapped. She would then make you feel like the lowest of the low.

She also accepted me for who I was in terms of my sexuality. She was the first person that I told I was a lesbian- and she let me in on her secret- she was pansexual.

In my junior year, I started to get extremely down on myself about my weight. I wanted to make a change. I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel pretty.

It was the night after my last day of school junior year. Mila and I were hanging out by her pool together, and I just broke down in tears about how I felt I looked in my swimsuit. 

"I can help you." Mila said to me, hugging me and playing with my hair, "I've thought of so many ways I can help you. Let me."

"Okay." I nodded, "Please, Mila. Help me."

"I promise by the end of the summer you'll be hot." Mila said, "You just have to follow what I am going to tell you exactly. You can't cheat."

"I won't." I looked at Mila. "I'll do whatever you tell me. I'm desperate."

Looking back, my heart now breaks for that girl.

The next day, Mila emailed me a two documents.

One was a diet. One was a workout plan.

The diet was extremely restrictive. I knew even Mila didn't eat that way.

"But I don't look like you." she would say to me.

I was miserable- and I hardly even had the energy to workout like Mila planned for me to. But I pushed through it. I laid in bed many nights, my stomach growling.

"Drink water. Or eat an apple." she would tell me.

We would go places together, and she would get pizza and ice cream and all of the things I couldn't have.

But...it paid off.

By the end of the summer- I looked like a whole new person.

My parents were concerned. I had dropped a lot of weight fast.

I didn't feel good physically- but I felt good about how I looked. I felt much more confident. I could wear clothing that before, Mila would side eye me for trying on.

Mila acted like she did me the biggest favor on the planet. And in some ways- she did. But she acted like she owned me after she helped me lose the weight. She would tell people that it was because of her.

My parents- all four of them- finally were concerned. They sent me to a nutritionist who helped me out with creating a meal plan that would keep the weight off- but in a much healthier way.

Though I'm pretty fucked up in the head when it comes to my relationship with food.

Mila and I weren't originally going to go to the same college- but she wound up getting a spot on the tennis team at the college I chose- so it worked out well.

I was a bit apprehensive about going to the same college as Mila. Part of me wanted to flourish without her. And now I wouldn't be able to if we went to the same college.

Because of course- we were going to be roommates. We decided to not directly share a room- but we were still suite mates. So, we saw each other all day every day still.

The first year of college was difficult to navigate in some ways with Mila. She would get jealous when it came to my other friends- especially my friendship with Nicki.

But I would always reassure her that she was my best friend- and she would always tell me that I was hers.

I always thought that I needed Mila more than she needed me. My first year of college showed me that it was the opposite in some ways.

I had no fucking idea how I was going to live my life without Mila.

Yes, Mila had her flaws. She wasn't a perfect person. Far from it. But the fact that someone wanted her dead?

I couldn't fathom it.

Mila, while she wanted to be a business woman and have her own brand, also wanted to open an animal sanctuary.

It was really getting to me that she would never be able to do that.

Mila had a hard shell. She didn't let many people in- but when she was vulnerable, those moments were beautiful. She was extremely vulnerable when it came to animals- and she deserved more moments to show that side.

I was going to find out who did this.

Even if it killed me too.