The Devil on Her Shoulder (gxg)

Part 20- "Normalcy"

TW: This chapter discusses dieting and weight loss

When we got back to school after New Years, my roommates and I were given a choice as to if we wanted to go back to class or not. If we felt ready, we could.

I decided to go back to my classes. I needed to get into somewhat of a routine, I couldn't take another semester of just sitting around wondering what happened to Mila.

Most of my classes I took online, but I had to go in person for one of my Anatomy and Physiology classes. It was three times a week, from 12- 3 PM. For the first week I had to walk over to the Sciences Building, I could feel myself on the verge of a panic attack.

One of those times, my dad just so happened to call me.

I answered, because if I don't answer my dad or Melissa, they will just keep calling me.

"Hey, dad. What's going on?" I answered, on the verge of tears.

"I wanted to call you to see how you were doing. You sound upset, did something happen?" he asked me.

"I'm honestly just feeling very anxious to go to class." I said.

"Do you feel as though therapy has been helping you?" my dad asked me.

"I do. But I'm just very anxious right now. I am having trouble just getting up off my bed and starting my walk to class."

"Stay on the phone with me while you walk. I have some time before my next patient." my dad said, "Get up and start walking, and we'll talk until you get to your class."

As I walked to my class, my dad asked me a lot of questions about Daisy. Him and Melissa thought she was very sweet when she stayed over for New Year's Eve. It calmed me down to talk to my dad about Daisy, and he asked me questions about Nicki as well.

When I reached the Sciences building, I thanked my dad for staying on the phone with me. If I had told my younger self that my dad would have talked me out of a panic attack, I wouldn't have believed it.

All of my roommates decided to go back to their classes besides Natalie. She claimed she wasn't mentally well enough to go to her classes yet. I had a hunch that she wasn't even going to continue her college classes. She left most nights- and I knew why. It had to be to see Mila's father.

Something that I was doing for myself mentally was going to the gym with Serena. One morning soon after we got back from winter break, she asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with her. It was too cold outside to run, and she wanted some company. I decided- why not? What was the worst that could happen?

As the weeks went by, it started to grow into a habit. We would go to the gym on campus together. She would run on the treadmill, and I would walk. She would then show me some weight lifting exercises.

One morning after we finished our workout, we sat on the floor together in front of the mirrors.

"I brought an extra protein bar for you." Serena said, swigging back some water, "I want you to eat it as we walk back. You need the protein after a workout."

"You didn't have to bring me an extra bar. Thank you though. That's kind of you." I said, leaning on my elbows.

"No, I did have to. You don't eat anything after your workouts. In fact, I don't see you eating much in general, especially since...you know." Serena looked at me.

"I don't have the best relationship with food, I'll admit it." I said, "And it's gotten harder over the past few months."

"You need to make sure you're taking care of yourself. I know you've told me that in high school you lost weight. Was that...due to any kind of eating disorder?" Serena asked me.

"No...it wasn't." I said. I had told Serena that in high school I had lost weight. But I didn't tell her exactly how. "I was overweight...but Mila helped me lose the weight. I think she thought it was helpful. And I mean...it was. But I was also a bit...traumatizing."

Serena narrowed her dark eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Well, she created a super restrictive diet plan for me, as well as a workout plan. And it worked, it did the trick. I lost the weight. But it kind of fucked up my relationship with food for the long run. She really engrained in my mind certain foods that were good and bad. And I still fear the bad foods." I explained. I rarely dove into this much detail wit anyone about my struggles with food.

Serena looked at me, her expression dark. "I don't want to speak badly about Mila...because she's not here anymore. But that's fucked up. It angers me, and I'm sorry you were put through that, Cass."

"It's okay." I said, "It helped me get to where I wanted to be."

"But it fucked you up in the long run." Serena shook her head, "Listen, I understand struggles with food and eating. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here."

I have Serena a grateful smile. "Thank you. You're a good friend." I said.

"I know you have Nicki that you are close to, but I want to be here for you as well, Cassidy." Serena said, "In any way I can."

"I'm here for you too. Always." I said.

Serena got up and held out her hand to help pull me up.

"And don't think I haven't noticed you and Daisy getting close." she said to me, helping me up. "You and her are awfully cute together though."

I could feel my cheeks flush. "She's really great."

Daisy really was my rock, especially after coming back from winter break. We still weren't labeling our relationship yet- it didn't feel right. But it was definitely some kind of relationship. It was a friendship, but even more.

It was hard to find time for some of the "even more" part of the friendship, if you catch my drift. Sharing bedrooms with other girls didn't make for much time to be able to have sex. And by not much time, I mean basically no time for it.

Valentines Day was approaching, and one night when Daisy and I were sitting together in the living room on the couch, studying, she looked at me and said, "Would you like to do something for Valentines Day? Maybe go to dinner and then get a hotel room somewhere in the college town?"

I felt my heart skip a beat when she asked me, looking at me from behind her glasses.

"I'd love that." I said, "It would be really nice to be able to spend a night with you. Alone."

A smile creeped onto Daisy's face. I could see her cheeks turning a light shade of pink.

"Yeah. It certainly would be nice." she chuckled.

I looked up as I heard footsteps come into the living room.

I knew immediately who it was. When you live with people long enough- you can start to tell who is who.

It was Rachael.

She looked at Daisy and I, and didn't say anything as she walked past. She had been even more reclusive since coming back from Winter Break.

And all I could think about was the damn notebook she had. Stalking Mila.

I still wondered if something was going to be done about. And when.

Because I was getting awfully tired of waiting.