This boy next to my room

53

June

The guards announced us that the cruise will end tomorrow, I take advantage of it to arrange my things in the suitcase. I try to try not to think about the previous events with Tyler but it's difficult because I can't accept the fact that I pushed him away for Connor.

Anyway, I had to face the fact that I am unable to do without him now. I like the way he makes me feel, even though I know it's dangerous.

Dangerous because the risk of developing feelings towards him is high, but I will know how to hold on, I will know how to stop myself.

I finally close my suitcase after spending about thirty minutes putting it away. The sound of the door opening surprises me at once, and very quickly, my heart races when I hear him close it and walk towards me.

Just when I thought he was going to make eye contact or maybe even physical contact with me, he does just the opposite. He ignores me.

I remain confused as my eyes follow his advance towards his not yet finished suitcase, I open my mouth to say something but I stop immediately when I see him take out a pack of cigarettes.

I watch him again, hoping he'll look at me but still nothing. What's his problem today ?

"You seem to like getting into trouble." I comment, referring to what he has in his hands.

His eyes shift back to mine, my stomach turning.

His eyes are a frightening red.

"You seem to like to play both sides." He bellows far too softly, I can barely hear him.

I immediately raise my eyebrows, surprised by his answer, which sounds more like an undertone. At first I don't understand what he means.

"What do you mean?"

Our eye contact ends instantly after my question. He sighs, shaking his head desperately, as if regretting those words before he starts walking towards the door.

Without even knowing why, or rather in frustration, I leap towards him to block his way. I ink my eyes in his once again, and he seems much more impatient.

"Move." He orders curtly.

"Connor you do this to all the girl you've fuck ? Didn't you told me that you weren't going to act like nothing happened ?"

A wicked smile plays on those lips, letting out a slight chuckle, but it's not a welcoming chuckle, it's more like nervous.

"You're fucking cheeky. Get out of my way, I mean it."

"You're such an asshole! And here I thought that after I confided in you, things would change."

This time, he couldn't help but grab my jaw sharply and lift it up further towards him. I tense up in surprise and immediately stop talking. His tobacco reddened eyes look at me with such intensity and anger that I don't even know what to say, he's an asshole and I could hate him as well as lose myself in him, like him as well as want him entirely.

His fingers feel like electric pain. I know they're squeezing me but I can't get out of his grip, I love this fire that consumes me.

"You don't know how much it pisses me off to hear you bawl that this is all my fault, because fuck June it's not ! You only have yourself to blame." He scolds harshly.

And while I would have preferred not to understand what he was implying, I did. He knows I kissed Tyler, his implication is very clear.

He then releases me by disengaging me from his passage. In spite of myself, I grab his wrist suddenly. I burn of guilt but I also burn of joy, it's horrible I know, but I like to see him in all these states because of me.

The tension is at its peak. I can see in his eyes, once he faces me again, rage and fire.

"Are you jealous Connor ?" I ask with a smirk that I couldn't hold back.

He chuckles again, sounding much more nervous than before.

"Don't get wrong idea June, because it's not the case at all. You were good yesterday, that's all. Besides, good is too big a word, you were enough, Cynthia gives me a lot more good." He begins. "oh and, I know why now, maybe it's because fucking when you have feelings is more exciting."

My proud face breaks down as Connor's words hit me in the ears. What a fucking asshole! He stares at me with an expression of extreme disgust, it breaks me inside.

"Do you have feelings for her?" I whisper with the disappointment I couldn't hide.

"Why do you care ? You do have feelings for Tyler, right? Anyway, I don't even know why I'm wasting my time with you, green-eyed bitch."

I hadn't heard that stupid nickname come out of his mouth for a long time.

"I should never have pushed him away for a... Son of bitch like you."

When I mentioned that insult, I was referring to his father. A bitch.

And I think this time my anger guided me a little too far.

It was with contempt that he looked at me, even before he had never looked at me like that. I remembered that I was still holding his wrist when he pulled it away with all the hate that he had from my hand, I think I even accidentally scratched him. I felt my tears reach the surface of both my eyes as he slammed the door behind him on his way out.

And finally, I collapsed pitifully to the floor, letting my tears fall for the first time in years.

I fucking hate myself.
I hate who I have become.