This boy next to my room

55

June

Did I tell you that I hate myself?
Oh yes, i did.

It must have been over ten minutes since the guards announced lights out and guess what? Connor isn't here.

I've been trying to get some sleep but to no avail, my thoughts are too restless to shut off. Plus, he still hasn't finished packing up his stuff when we get to the port tomorrow morning; he's bound to come back, right ?

And fuck, who cares ? This guy is no better than me, I know I hurt him but he's not totally innocent in this story. He still spit in my face that he thought I was just 'enough' and fucking compared me to Cynthia.

Earlier, when he left the room, I broke down in tears for a very long time. I let out silent insults at him and felt like I was broken but now that I've calmed down, I think I'm pathetic.

I've been through much worse than a simple argument and never felt so vulnerable. I've always been a very strong person, I could take the pain and here I am, letting myself weaken because of this asshole.

It doesn't make sense because he's not even important to me, there may be tension between us but it's purely sexual.

Yet it hurt me when he compared me to her.

Deep down, I know it didn't just hurt my pride.

It touched my heart.

And that fucking scares me.

Realizing that I had wandered off into my thoughts again, I let out a sigh as I pulled back the blanket that was covering me. I'm at the point where I'm obsessed with him, even in my fucking sleep and in my opinion, if I really want to get some sleep, I need to make sure he's okay.

Unfortunately I can't get out of the dorm to go look for him but I always have my phone with me, so texting him would probably be smarter.

I wonder where he is though...

Unwillingly and maybe also for lack of idea of what I could say to him, I go up our messages until I get to the first one. It wasn't very long because we didn't talk much.

The first message is from Connor, he says "I lied, your eyes are not ugly." I smile. This is from months ago when we made up.

And it makes me realize that I've been here a really long time. I've totally forgotten the voice my dad had and the pain my stepmom's words caused me.

However, I didn't forget my stepbrother's charming smile, his adorable dimples that were drawn on both his cheeks. He was so cute.

He was the only one who seemed to like me in the house.

I think he has grown a lot since then. I wish I could have seen him, and in my heart I hope he hasn't forgotten me. He is the spitting image of my father as a child and innocent.

I could almost see him becoming a doctor, too.

Speaking of which, I was really horrible earlier with Connor. My comments about his father and his past were really unnecessary and I'll understand if he doesn't forgive me.

All of a sudden I feel like a hateful person.

It's not like me to attack people out of anger, let alone cry hysterically.

But I feel like I have an extreme need to be respected and listened to and that need has led me to act like a real bitch to him just like he acted like a real asshole to me.

From a certain perspective, it was a state of distress that led me to behave that way and if I put myself in his shoes, I can also deduce that my remark inferring that he was jealous hurt him.

Because of Leslie.

Only Leslie had the power to make him jealous.

I indirectly implied that he could feel that way with me and that was dumb. Because if that was really the case, it would mean that he felt some attachment to me.

And maybe deep down, that's how I would have felt in his place.

I became so attached to him that I hoped he would be jealous.

Pathetic.

I take my eyes off my screen for a moment to look at the ceiling, I'm thinking too much but now I have an idea of what I could send him as a message.

The only problem is that I don't know if I would have the courage to assume afterwards what I am going to say.

Argh, what have I got to lose, seriously ?

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