This boy next to my room

61

June

What was I thinking?

Seriously, what got into me to say something like that? My sentence was full of innuendo that I myself was unable to realize. There he was, now, staring at me as if I had made the statement of the century.

It's not the case but it's a bit like.

I can't even read his eyes anymore, it's as if he's forged an impenetrable brick wall.

If I had the ability to go back in time to erase those stupid words I said, I would do it without hesitation.

I feel like shaking him, begging him to say something, it doesn't matter what, he just needs to say something to me.

"Connor ?"

He seems to emerge from his thoughts when he hears my slightly shaky voice. He hasn't fully opened up so I still can't discern exactly what he's thinking, but from his expression, it looks like something negative.

What did I expect ?

I still have the chance to make up for it by coming up with an excuse that can justify my words but strangely enough, I don't want to because I know deep down that it wasn't a lie.

I said it with honesty.

So I might actually feel something for him.

And that scares me.

"June ?"

My first name escaping those lips causes me to shudder immensely. Her voice wasn't brusque, it sounded more like it was trembling, like mine. My heart is racing.

I just stare at him, unable to respond because of the extreme sensations inside me.

"You..."

"Yes."

I already knew what he was going to ask me but I preferred answer before he finished his sentence, because I know that afterwards, I'll lose all my nerve and answer something wrong.

"You didn't even let me finish."

"I already know what you were going to ask me Connor."

And then, his face breaks down along with my heart.

"No, fuck no, you don't know June, let me finish my sentence please."

"If you ask me, I'm going to say I don't, and if I do, it won't be honest."

"Do you love me June ?"

"Connor..."

"Answer me."

I swallow and feel like the more I look at him the better I can discern the fear that I am answering yes. Unfortunately, I do and I myself don't know how it all happened, only a few hours ago I hated him and now here I am realizing that I have feelings for him.

I feel so stupid. Nothing makes sense since I met him, I knew for sure that after our first kiss things would change between us but I took the fucking risk anyway.

Now I'm completely obsessed by the feeling I get when I'm near him, by the way he looks at me when he wants me, by his kisses that are so electric I lose my mind.

By him.

I'm obsessed with him.

I love everything about him as much as I hate everything about him.

For the second time this week, I want to burst into tears in front of him. I feel so weak, so pathetic, he managed to get me successfully and now he is about to break my heart.

He seems to notice because, now, there is nothing but disgust on his face.

Shabby.                       Shabby.                      Shabby.

You're fucking shabby June.

It's turning into a fiasco, as I predicted. I shouldn't have come to his room. I panic as I can already see his mouth telling me the most hurtful words ever. This time, they will be much more hurtful than what he used to say to me because he has my heart in his hands and here it is, ready to burst it.

But while I thought that it was with words that he was going to hurt me, it is his look that does it. He doesn't say anything, I know he already knows my answer but he tortures me by staring at me and it hurts even more.

So I lower my eyes.

Still nothing.

So I wait.

Too long.

But nothing.

So when I realized that he would only communicate to me through his sharp eyes his answer, I got up, guided myself to the door with all the despair that was drowning me and left the room.

I then returned to my room to consume my sad reality.

I had hoped he would stop me to tell me something but nothing.