Tainted Melodies (Ciudad de Escalante #5)

Phase 50

"I'm excited, of course. This album is the most different from all the music I wrote. Halos dalawang taon ko ring sinusulat at tinatapos. I waited years to mold myself as an artist to deserve Tainted Melodies. And finally, this is the right time," sambit ko habang nakatingin sa cover ng album na mare-release sa susunod na buwan.


Ngumiti ang host na nag-i-interview sa akin ngayon. We're live now and this episode is broadcast internationally. Mas nilawakan ko ang aking pagngiti habang pinapasadahan ng tingin ang mga taong nanonood at nagbibigay ng suporta. Since I made a name in the music industry, the scenes and my daily routines are all the same. Sulat, kanta, guestings, concert and such. Ngunit ang nakakatuwa ay hindi ako nagsasawa sa ginagawa. This burning passion will never give me a finished project. It taught me that there's always something to look forward everyday.


"What made Tainted Melodies different from your previous albums, Ms. Solaire? And why did it take you years to meet the right time?" The host asked.


My smile grew wider. Huminga rin ako nang malalim bago sagutin ang katanungan.


"It is different because I'm finally saying goodbye in this album. But it is not a painful goodbye. It is a kind of goodbye that will no longer hurt me. A goodbye that looks like a sunset. A goodbye that I'm not going to regret. A goodbye for my own good. This will be the last piece about the person who's been my subject ever since. I'm happy that I closed our story through this album. Tainted... yet beautiful. Because it was real."


Making music about him is like giving him a forever he didn't ask for. Those moments where nothing seems to work out are the hardest. So the best option that we could ever have is to let go. Hindi ko maintindihan noong una, because the only vocabulary of love I know is not to let go. Pero ngayon alam ko na may iba pa pala. Siya ang nagturo sa akin no'n. Sometimes, loving also means you're ready to set them free.


That no matter how much you love each other and how badly you want to stay, the only solution that will work for both of you is to let yourselves grow and heal together but separately because continuing to stay together while still causing harm to one another due to shared unresolved traumas would only worsen the relationship and cause greater damage.

"It took me years because I don't want to pressure myself to find the thrilling anticipation of fresh experiences and new beginnings. I made this album to make everyone realize that we can still move on even if it's taking a long time," dagdag ko at humarap sa mga manonood.


Hindi mabura ang aking ngiti dahil hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari. I'm not tearing up. I'm not stuttering. My voice is still fine. My heart is not getting heavy. Parang nagkukwento lang ako ngayon. Hindi gaya noong mga naunang taon ay lagi akong nagiging emosyonal sa bawat interview.


Totoo pala iyon? Just embrace the painful fact that you're broken and hurting, mapapagod ka rin pala sa huli at darating ang araw na magugulat ka nalang na okay na. At hindi ko alam bakit at paano nangyari. Siguro dahil nagising nalang ako na gusto ko na lamang maging masaya para sa sarili ko. Or maybe, when I saw how he finally moved on and reclaimed the joy I momentarily stolen when I hurt him. His happiness motivates me until it's my time to start looking for it too.


Laking pasasalamat ko siguro dahil halos parehas kami ng karerang kinatatayuan. Camera lenses helped me to see snippets of his life. At the same time, It made me hard to forget him because his posters and advertisements can be seen everywhere.


Nevertheless, somehow, it feels like I'm observing his life from afar, a life that no longer mandates my presence. A life that blossoms even in the absence of my rain. A life that is still worth living because he found reasons to continue breathing— even though I'm no longer included among those reasons.


I'm proud of him, still.


"You came from a long-term relationship. Everyone knows it. So basically, you've finally moved on from that breakup, Ms. Solaire?" tanong muli ng host.


I nodded slowly.


"I have to, and I'm glad I really did," I proudly said because even I didn't imagine that I could move on from that.


Maybe, it was faster for him to get back on the path compared to me because for a year, I continued to isolate myself by thinking about the old memories to torture myself. Pero nagawa ko pa rin sa huli na palayain na ang sarili ko. My past has been one of my favorites yet tormenting places because he's in it. But I can't stay there for too long. I need to fall out of this love to fall back into life. I need me.


"Of course, I couldn't forget about the breakup. It was my first. And seeing him now living the life he once told me made me realize that things came to work flawlessly after I was gone—ganoon din sa akin. The relationship is worth losing. It set us to be a better version of ourselves..."


Alexius and Rory are doing very well. Iyon ang nakikita ko sa balita at magazines. Introducing Rory and sharing their story with the world is one of his biggest dreams. Gusto niyang ipakita na noon pa sa lahat na may pinagmulan siya at may magandang kwento sa kabila ng mga istorya na hindi kaaya-aya patungkol sa kanya. And the world needs to see that his life is a continuous birth of new hope, not endless suffering. And it happened. Last year, a documentary and short film were made based on their lives. It's about the tragedy that happened to them in CDA. I'm so happy that he was heard after so many years. He finally unleashed himself from the chain.


"Everyone was curious. How did the breakup happen? It doesn't have to be detailed. Hindi ba sa panahon ngayon sa text nalang o kaya through ghosting? Iyong bigla nalang hindi nagparamdam and it will give you unexplained reasons why it have to be that way..."


I chuckled at the next question. Text at ghosting? Siguro naging ganoon din kami noong una. Ang hirap harapin sa personal dahil kahit desidido ka na sa desisyon, makita mo lang siya, madami pang pwedeng magbago. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at pinilig ang aking ulo habang inaalala iyon. Kung noon, hindi ko kayang balik-balikan talaga dahil masakit pero ngayon ay malaya akong nakakapagbalik-tanaw. Memories don't affect me anymore. Maayos naman ang resulta nang lahat. Iyon ang mahalaga.


"It was a good breakup, actually. Sa personal kami nag-usap. Ganoon naman talaga dapat to end it well. Explanations were given and heard. I still felt that time that we really loved each other, but we wouldn't want to offer our broken selves. Because both of us, despite the throbbing that never diminishes, still deserve to be treated better than we can. At iyon ang hindi namin maibigay sa isa't isa. Parehas kaming ubos," pagpapaliwanag ko.


I compressed my lips against each other when that memory retreated from my mind. It's really unforgettable. It is a disaster, not fleeting weather. The whirlwind of emotions. The storm in our voices. The rainy days in our eyes. No matter how much both of you wanted to go against the tides and reach the horizon. Hindi talaga pwede. Regardless of how you two badly wanted to keep running and avoid the cliffs and the tendency to part ways... it's really impossible if both are at their worst, hoping and forcing themselves to become the best for each other.


"No, Solaire. We can't be together. I understand. I believe in you. But I couldn't afford to see you in pain because of the emotionally damaging habits I'm taking too long to get rid of. I don't want to risk with you anymore. This is my fight. This is my burden to bear. You have your own battles to face—"


Agad kong pinutol ang sinasabi niya at umiling nang paulit-ulit. A great pang gripped my heart again. Hindi ako nakapagsalita kaagad at umiyak na lamang. He's really eager. He's really sure about breaking up with me. Akala ko, may magbabago pa talaga pagkatapos kong magpaliwanag. Pinanghawakan ko ang sobrang liit na tsansa. Pero hindi pala mababago ang lahat. We're still going to drift apart.


"We can fight together, Alexius. We have already fought too hard on this. Ngayon pa ba tayo susuko? We can't! Separation isn't a solution. Hindi ko kaya. H-Hindi ko kaya..." I cried.