Tainted Melodies (Ciudad de Escalante #5)

Phase 47

I had a miscarriage before I found out I'm really pregnant. Hindi ako lubusang naniwala sa sinabi ng doktor na tumingin sa akin sa ospital kaya nagdesisyon akong magpakonsulta sa ibang OB-Gyne.


And both of them said the same thing.


My baby died already a week ago.


Ang pinagkamalan kong regla ngayong buwan ay iyon na pala ang araw kung kailan ako nakunan. Wala akong ideya. Pregnancy tests can't indicate a miscarriage. The doctor who checked me first when I passed out is not knowledgeable in this field. Kaya hindi ko siya masisisi dahil pinagsabihan niya rin kami na magpatingin sa OB-Gyne talaga pero hindi ko sinunod. Rory has nothing to do with this either.


Alexius is right.


Everything is my fault. Walang dapat sisihin kung hindi ako. Because I'm careless and selfish. Sinabihan na ako ni Ate Solana na baka buntis nga ako at dinalhan pa ng pregnancy tests. Pero hindi ko ginawa. I was too focused on other things. I was too busy saving my career and reputation.


Napabayaan ko ang anak ko...


Wala akong kwenta.


Hindi ko inaasahan ang malaking epekto nito sa akin. I haven't even seen my baby, but it feels like I lost a long-time bestfriend. Na para bang matagal ko na siyang nakasama. The pain from grieving for the moments we should have in the future hurts me.


Hindi rin ako makakain. Hindi ako makaligo. Hindi ako makatulog. Getting my ass out of the bed is already tiring for me. I lost my baby, I lost Alexius and it feels like I'm losing myself too. Regrets, conscience and guilt haunts me every night. Maging sa panaginip, naririnig ko ang pag-iyak ng baby ko at magigising na umiiyak din ako.


It was the most depressive episode of my life. No amount of sleep could ease the tiredness I'm dealing with. Siguro, bagay lang sa akin ito. I deserve all of this because I'm a horrible being. I should accept these sufferings. This is a punishment for me.


"Solaire, do you want me to set you up an appointment in another clinic? Or let's request a house service, so you don't have to go outside. Dr. Monette called me. You're missing a few sessions," deklara ni Mommy sa hapag-kainan.


Natigil ako sa pagnguya. Kaming tatlo lang nina Mommy at Daddy ang nasa mesa. Ate Solene already had her own family kaya hindi na namin kasama sa bahay. Habang si Ate Solana naman ay nasa trabaho pa.


Due to my barely surviving phases, my parents decided to consult a psychologist for me. Halos isang buwan na rin noong nakunan ako. But still, it feels like yesterday. They got worried. I'm getting worst. I'm worried about myself too. Pero wala na akong lakas pa. I couldn't commit to living anymore after what I'd done to my kid.


"Parang hindi na yata ako magiging maayos, Mommy..." Nanghihina kong saad at napayuko. Tears gathered up at the corner of my eyes. Ito nalang siguro ang hindi nakakapagod gawin—ang umiyak.


"Air, stop thinking like that. You'll be fine. Where's Jael anyway? Hindi ko pa yata nakikitang dumadalaw dito. Maybe he's not doing well too," nag-aalalang tanong ni Mommy.


Hindi ako kumibo. I don't have any idea what he's doing. Pero sigurado ako na parehas kami nang pinagdadaanan ngayon o mas malala ang sa kanya. Siya ang pinakasabik para sa anak naming dalawa. I tried to contact him but no replies. I want us to talk. I want to explain myself. Ngunit ni hibla ng buhok ko yata ay ayaw niyang makita. Nakakapagod kaya itinigil ko.


"I hope this incident isn't a threat to your relationship. Walang may gusto nang nangyari. You two should heal together from this. Hindi dapat dito magtapos ang relasyon niyong dalawa. This is just a phase," Daddy asserted.


I smiled weakly.


I really hope, Daddy.


I'm hoping badly that there's still a chance for us. Ngunit sa simula palang ay may lamat na ang relasyon naming dalawa. Ang daming problema ang hindi naayos. Madaming hindi pagkakaintindihan ang hindi napag-usapan. Ang tiwala ay hindi maibalik-balik.


Then, this happened. It worsened everything.


"Solaire! Sabi ko na nga ba't babalik ka, eh. Matutuwa si Tina nito. I thought you're really serious about it. Ano, naayos mo na ba lahat ng kailangan mong gawin?" Masayang sabi ni Jessie at niyakap ako.


"Yup. Medyo tapos na rin ang nga gawain ko sa school kaya hindi na sobrang hectic at nakakapagod," ani ko at niyakap siya pabalik.


Kanina rin ay ginulat ko ang mga co-artist ko sa Conchordia. They're also happy that I'm back. Naisip ko na walang mangyayari kung magmumukmok lang ako sa bahay. That's why I decided to go back at my usual life.


Hindi pa rin ako lubusang nagiging maayos at hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. I'm still attending my weekly appointment to my psychologist. I'm still suffering from anxieties and overthinking. I need to become busy. I want to have a distraction. Para kahit papa'no, makalimutan kong maging malungkot.


"Like you said in our chat last night... inayos ko na ang mga schedule mo. Look, you need to review a lot of offers in your email. Mas bigatin ang mga projects mo next year!" Natutuwa niyang sambit at napangiti ako nang makita ang iba't-ibang invitations at collaboration request mula sa mga successful na artist at companies.


Sa mga sumunod na linggo, pagpasok sa eskwelahan at trabaho ang aking pinagkaabalahan. Itinuloy ko rin ang pagpa-practice ko para sa Asian tour. Medyo nakakatulong nga ang pagiging busy dahil nararamdaman ko na nagiging maayos ako ng kaunti. Madalang nalang din ako magkaroon ng masamang panaginip tungkol sa baby ko. Hindi na rin ako araw-araw umiiyak.


But I'm still easily triggered by anything related to babies. That's my weakest point. Noong pumunta kami sa department store ni Ate Solana, para akong hihimatayin sa baby section. Sobrang nanikip ang dibdib ko at hindi mapigilan ang pag-iyak. We don't have a choice that time but to go home immediately. Sa tingin ko, hindi na ako makakabalik sa parteng iyon ng mall.



Alexius:


You don't have to bring my things back to me. Burn them out or throw them elsewhere.



Napatayo ako sa kinahihigaan nang makatanggap ng mensahe mula sa kanya. For more than a month of not seeing nor talking to each other, this is the first message I received from him. Hindi pa ako nakakapagtipa ng reply nang katukin na ako ng isa sa mga kasambahay at sinabing may mga packages na pinadala para sa akin.


My hand is sweaty and cold when I searched for his number in my contact. Nanginginig na rin ang mga tuhod ko sa kaba habang tinitingnan ang mga laman ng packages. They're my things in his condo and house in CDA.


Tatlong malaking kahon na naglalaman ng mga damit, sapatos, make-up at lahat lahat ng mga gamit ko na naiiwan kapag natutulog ako kasama siya. Pati ang mga gamit na binili niya at rinegalo sa akin nandito.


What is the meaning of this?


Is he breaking up with me?


"A-Alexius..." I stuttered when he finally answer my call. Ito rin ang kauna-unahang beses na sinagot niya ang mga tawag ko pagkalipas ng ilang linggo.


"What is it?" He asked coldly. My eyes watered. Kahit malamig at walang emosyon, may maliit na parte sa akin na naging masaya dahil narinig ko ulit ang boses niya. I miss his voice. I really miss him.


"Para saan ang mga ito?" Nanlulumo kong wika habang nakatitig sa mga kahon.


He hissed. "Do I have to explain? Binabalik ko sa'yo ang mga gamit mo."


"F-For what?" I asked even if it was obvious.


"It's not making sense why your things are still at my place," he replied. Pagkasabi niya no'n, parang may pumiga sa puso ko. At pagkalipas ng ilang segundo, hindi ako makahinga nang maayos.


"Alexius. We can't. Let's talk about this, hmm? Nasaan ka ngayon? Pupunta ako. Don't be like this. I don't want any breakups. I... I love you," umiiyak kong sambit.


Nagkakasakitan kami at nawalan ng anak pero hindi rason ang mga iyon para maghiwalay kami ng tuluyan. I can't do that. I can't lose him. Lalo na't pwede naman itong maayos. Kung gusto niya ng cool off o magpahinga muna, I'll let him. He deserves time for healing. Pero ito? Paghihiwalay? I can't accept it. I won't! Nasasaktan ako at hirap na hirap pero hindi ko naisip makipaghiwalay. I will fight for this. I will not give up on him.


"Solaire, respect my decision. I see you're doing well now. Just focus on your career like what you usually do. Iyan naman ang pinakaimportante sa'yo hindi ba?" aniya sa mapait na tono.


"Hindi iyan totoo. Please, pag-usapan natin ito. I still have a lot of things to explain. Hear my side again, please. Don't you love me anymore?" I sobbed.


My lips trembled when he remained silent. Mas lumakas ang pag-iyak ko at tiningnan ang oras.


"Let's talk. Let's settle this. I'll wait for you where you first saw me. Magbibihis na ako..." deklara ko at pinatay na ang tawag. Alam kong alam niya kung saan iyon. I'll wait for him. Hindi ko hahayaan na magtapos ng ganito.

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Note: Don't hesitate to correct me if you spot some loopholes in the sensitive topics mentioned in the recent chapters. I stand corrected if there's anything. Thank you! Four chapters to go... and I'm already glad you made this far with me. I really appreciate your messages lately. You all made me believe that everything's more than worth it in the end. 

I love you. Keep safe, always.