the light in his dark

Part 37

I'm sitting in my bed with my arms crossed on my chest. I'm starting to have a pain in my neck by raising my head to watch the TV on the wall in front of my bed

I'm also starting to have eyes pain by looking at this tiny screen on which I barely see the images who are so small on it

Fortunately, I know Friends by heart so I don't even have to focused on the TV to follow the show

I'm starting my 4th week in this freaking hospital and my days are always the same

Wake up, see James, dance in his room, sleep on him

I miss the outside world. I have no idea when I can go out. I don't even know what to do after going out or even how to get out

I've never had so much responsibility since I was an adult and I have to run on my own and it scares me

Do I have to pay on the day of my release ? Who should I ask to go out? How do I play the mutual for bills? Can I pay in several installments? With whom do I take my prescription? Does the mutual fund pay for the medicines? From whom do I ask for a certificate to prove my absence from the university?

I sigh and turn off the TV and rest my head on the bar of my bed as I turn my head to look through the window

It's sunny and I can't help but smile. My mom always loved it when there was a lot of sun and every time we went for a walk and landed at a place that suited us both to read or tell each other about our week

I didn't see her much on weekdays because when she finished her first job she left almost straight for her second so I took advantage of her 100% as long as I had the opportunity

I want to do the same with James. Going outside as soon as a ray of sunshine crosses the window of the room in the early morning and spend the day outside and enjoy each other until it's so dark that I can't see the tip of my nose anymore

Every desire, every memories or every time I see him breathing makes me hold on. All this keeps me a little hope that soon he will open his eyes

In my head, James is just resting. He regained strength after his operation. He regains strength to go home

Kellie thinks I'm too much in love to see the real situation but imagine that one day, soon, we will be able to do all the things we did before and even news helps me a lot

It helps me work hard during my exercises and it helps me to watch James sleeping

"Melancholic?"

I turn my head and see Miss Jane pressing against the doorframe and looking at me with a little smile

I wipe my unwanted tears that flowed along my face and smiled at her in return "yeah a little"

She straightens up and walks to the bed. She sat at my hips because I put the bed in a sitting position and she puts her arm around my shoulders as I rest my head on her shoulder

"Talk to me honey" she tells me stroking my hair behind my ear

"I miss him" I sniffle "I miss his touch. I miss his voice. I miss his presence. I miss living with him'' I look down in my hands

"I imagine what we had and maybe we won't have it anymore or imagine that he won't wake up or even when I imagine that he'll wake up is killing me slowly. I move forward alone, without him and telling myself that my future is unknown to me scares me'' i let out a sob

"I don't know if I can imagine a future with him or learn to live a future without him by my side"

"For now, try not to imagine moving forward with or without him. I know it's hard but try to be focused on your care and not on your future because apart from making you sad and preventing you from moving forward it's not going to do anything to help you'' she says softly in her voice tone that make me feel like everything is okay and simple