Untold Pain

Chapter 16

Janella's POV.

"Janella." I heard my Dad called me when I was about to climb the stairs.

Kakauwi ko lang galing sa café, it's just 4:30pm so I don't really know what Dad wants now. Nauna akong umuwi kesa sakanila Julia, they stayed there because it's still early for them to go home.

"Yes?" Mahina kong tanong sakanya.

"Let's have a talk." Umupo sya and he stared at me, I nodded as I sat down infront of him.

I wonder what he wanted to talk about. I just hope I didn't make a mistake again.

"Do you want to study abroad?"

Dad is always straight to the point when he is talking, just like now. But I can't understand why he's suddenly asking me this question, he knew exactly that I don't want to leave Philippines.

I shook my head. "No. Dad why are you even asking me this question? You knew exactly what I would say."

Simula nung nawala si Maine, he always ask me the same question. If gusto ko daw bang mag aral abroad, if I want to leave Philippines, which is I don't. I just want to stay here.

I want to stay where they are.
And where Maine is.

"You're torturing yourself." He took a deep breath. "As long as you're here, you're torturing yourself Janella." He stared at me.

"You're still blaming yourself, aren't you?"

Yes.

I really do blame myself.

I looked down and fidget my hands. "Janella, I'm doing this for you." I took a deep breath as I spoke. "You're doing this for me?" I look up and stared into his eyes. "Or you're doing this for yourself? To make yourself feel better?"

I saw how his face changed and he stood up. "What are you talking about!?"

I stood up. "Dad, you're doing this to make yourself feel better. You're also blaming yourself, aren't you? You want me to leave so you wouldn't remember that accident happened. You want me to leave because all I do is disappoint you!"

Hindi ko na mapigilan yung pagtulo ng mga luha ko. I've had enough. Why is it always me? I know I did something wrong and I've been living with guilt since then. I've been living in a total hell, isn't that enough? Do I really need to suffer all my life?

"Dad, I'm hurting too. Hindi ko na alam yung gagawin ko." I sob. "Everytime I see Maine's photo I always break down. Do you even know that? Dad, it hurts me too."

I also want to live.

I just want to go on with my life. But it always seems unfair. Everytime I feel happy, it feels illegal, everytime I feel something, someone would remind me that I caused my friend's death.

And it is always my father who made me feel that way.

"Janella!" He shouted. "I'm doing this for you, can you even see yourself right now!? You're ruined, because you've been staying in the past!" He massaged his temple as he walked towards me and held my shoulder. "You're my only daughter, and seeing you suffering everyday because of something that happened 5 years ago is breaking my heart. You're tormenting yourself."

His tears fell down. Dad is crying because of me.

"I want you to move forward." He looked down. "You were right. I also blamed myself." He sighed. "I asked Maine to take care of you that night. I asked her to take you home no matter what. Those 4 weeks that you were unconscious, it kills me. Everytime na may tatawag samin ng Mommy mo kapag wala kami sa hospital, we would panic. Because what if something worse happen to you? Janella, you knew how much I love you and care for you. I only want what's best for you."