trapped | lierra

thirty nine

Amber

"How was your day?" mom asked as she came in from work, setting her bag down. Mom and dad finally got to go back to work, but I was home alone most days. Every Wednesday I went with them for my therapy appointment though, and that wasn't a lot of fun. My therapist was fine, I guess, but she wasn't mom.

"Good, how about you?" I questioned.

"Busy, but good," she answered. "What should we do for dinner?"

"I don't know," I shrugged.

"Want to help me make a stir fry?"

"Sure," I agreed. She went upstairs to change, then came down and began getting out the ingredients. As we cooked, dad eventually came home, greeting us, but then going upstairs to finish some work. Once dinner was ready, he joined us back downstairs. It was silent between all of us, no conversation going on, so I broke that.

"Why are you guys acting weird?" I asked them, making them share a glance.

"We were just informed that the case for the mall shooting will be tomorrow," dad slowly told me, making me sit up.

"What?"

"We didn't know until earlier when your social worker called-"

"Can I go?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Amber," mom sighed.

"But I want to testify, and I can-"

"You won't be able to testify, the cases are already set," mom cut me off.

"But I want to be there,"

"Amber, trust us, it's not going to be what you're thinking, and I don't think you'll be able to handle that," mom explained to me.

"We will let you know what the verdict is-"

"There shouldn't even be a verdict, they should be locked away forever," I muttered, making both of them silent. "I'm not hungry," I pushed the meal in front of me, before going upstairs. Normally one of them would follow, but I don't think either of them knew what to say. I don't know why I wanted to be there, but I felt like I needed to be.

My mind went back and forth with everything a lot. I never knew if my dad was happy about everything. He watched me live with my sister who neglected and abused me, men take advantage of me, but he also watched me live with mom and dad. I wondered if he was mad that I got new parents. I knew he wanted me to be happy, but was he happy about that? Was he happy I had an aunt and uncles now?

I think he would like mom and dad. If they met another time in life, they would be friends. Mom and dad reminded me of him a lot. They were both very caring, funny, generous, and gentle. None of them ever yelled at me out of anger, they just wanted to protect me and help me. I wanted dad, but I didn't want to give up what I had either. All I knew is, I wanted those men who shot the mall and killed my dad to be in prison forever. They didn't deserve to be let out, to see the outside world. None of them would ever understand what it was like for me to watch my dad get shot, to be in that ambulance, to get that news. They would never understand the aftermath of what I went through. They didn't see me living with my sister, they didn't see me getting sexually assaulted by random men. And they never would.

However, I wish they would see that. I wanted them to see the pain I went through. I wanted that guilt to eat at them, so they would regret what they did that day. I wanted nothing more than for them to feel the tiniest bit of suffering I felt. Sadly, life in prison was the most realistic thing I would come up with.