The Way He Looked At Her

I can't do this..

I still wasn't able to leave that room. I was next to his lifeless body all night still not believing that he was gone. It should of been me. I kept saying in my head.

I knew it was my fault. I just wish Jax never gave me that letter. He would still be alive and I would be hurting less. I cried more knowing he is gone.

  Jax is gone. Get it threw your head! I kept saying in my head. But my heart didn't want to believe it which was the hardest thing.  

   It was 1 in the morning, his death time was close to 12 in the morning. I was still holding on to him like he was asleep. In a deep, deep sleep. I haven't stopped crying about all of this ether.

I just wanted him back.

   He can't leave me not like this. It was all my fault. My fault no one else. Which killed me.

  No one else has came to see him I guess because everyone else knew the news. I just can't get it threw my head. I still have this hope that he will open his eyes and grab me in my arms like it was a dream. A sick twisted dream.

   A twisted dream that you think that it does have a good ending but doesn't. It was probably because you were hoping it a good dream too much and it comes out like this sick thing called real life. Real life. It doesn't seem real to me it really doesn't.

  Not right now right now it is a bad dream I wanted to get out of. I wanted to get out of this dream so bad. It was killing me looking at him like this. I kept touching his face hoping some how he would touch my hand with his like we used to.

  I wanted to break everything in this room because that would be as broken as my heart. But my heart would still be more broken then all of those things. It killed me. Killed me knowing I lost a big part of my heart.

   I kept looking up at him like he was going to wake up any moment. I cried knowing that wasn't true. I lost him. I lost him.

  I lost him. My life, lover, best friend, my only real friend that I had in my life. I kept looking at his pale face knowing its all over now. It's all over..

  He isn't hurting anymore.. He is going to be okay now.. He is my little angel now.. My handsome, kind, happy, warm hearted, strong, and powerful, angel.

  I'm going miss him. I'm going to miss everything about him. I just wish somehow we could bring him back. He is probably having fun up there. I just wish I was up there with him but he wouldn't want me to kill myself over him.

  Knowing I had a future he didn't want that. Why this.. Why this heartbreak, I will be strong for him.