tutoring styles

4. April

MIDNIGHT IS OUT!! THAT ALBUM IS GOING TO BE MY PERSONALITY

"Calm down jade it's fine. I'm fine." I said. Was I fine? I didn't know. Me and nickolas hadn't talked ever since it happened. At one point i told Lorenzo about it because I knew that Lorenzo would do anything to ruin Nick's life and at that point I wanted nothing more.

He took away my trust, he took away my confidence, he took away my self love. I hated my body for months and months because of him. I hated myself. I always blamed myself for it. But it's never your fault.

He knew about my trauma with my dad and uncle, he knew my biggest fear was for something like that to happen again.

"Do you want to leave?" Jade asked raising her eyebrows. "Yes, please." I said quietly immediately feeling a little guilty.

"Okay, let's go." She answered. We got our stuff and payed and then we left the building.

We walked to the car and when we got in she looked at me with a curious look on her face. "Are you sure you're okay soph? Maybe we should cancel our plans for tonight I want to make sure you're alright."

"You know what, no I'm not okay actually I just didn't expect him to text me you know? But it's not that bad, you can go. I know how much you like zayn and how much he likes you. So go I'll be fine I promise." I said with a small smile.

"Are you sure? I want to be here for you you know that." Jade said worriedly. "Yeah I'll be fine, thankyou though. For this day and for caring I love you." I said rubbing my hand on her back. I loved how she cared for me. I really did. But I've always felt guilty for having so much shit going on and dragging her into it.

She started the car and she drove me home. When we arrived at my place she gave me one last worried look and again asked me if I'd be alright and then we said our goodbyes and she left.

I felt bad for canceling so last minute because I knew how excited she was for tonight. But maybe it'd be better without me. I'd probably have fought with harry the whole time.

"Are you okay? You look a bit horrible. " I heard a voice behind me in the kitchen. "Yeah, I'm fine." I answered with a small smile. "are you sure you look really bad?" Lou asked. And I just started crying.

"No you don't look that horrible don't cry I can fix that face of yours." And I just let out a little laugh while I was crying.

Then I felt his arms around my waist. "Hey, shh it's okay it's okay" I cried on his shoulder for atleast 10 minutes but it felt like 10 years because my eyes were hurting like hell. That text was so unexpected. So unnecessary. My mind just went back to 3 years ago when I found out. When i felt so disappointed and disgusting.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Louis asked after a while. "No. Sorry" I just said. "Don't say sorry it's fine I didn't want to hear about it anyway." He said rubbing my back.

"I love you you know that right?" He said looking at my face. "Even though you smell."

And we just stood there and called each other out for a while. I loved louis. Everyone needed a Louis.

"I've got to go tho, I actually do have a life and a girlfriend so bye." He said and he literally just left me there. There's no one on this planet like him.

I left the kitchen and ran upstairs. I went to my room and took a notepad and a pencil. And I started thinking. I just started writing down random words, sentences, lyrics just anything that came up in my head.

I loved writing poems. If I couldn't open up with words I'd either draw my feelings or write a poem to calm down, feel better, explain something, etc.

I started writing poetry when I was 12 years old. I just did. I never knew why it just happened. My first poem was about my love for food. I didn't take it that serious yet. Food was the love of my life yes. But poetry got more personal by the years. The year I was turning 16, I wrote a poem about a girl in my art class. April. She to me was quite litterly perfect.