When a Man Enters the Shrinks Office...

9A)

Unaware of Eddy's call Brett is sitting in the same small room as the other day before. It's the same setup: a desk and two chairs. He notices a painting on the wall he did not see last time he sat here. It's a generic painting that is everywhere in public areas. Nobody feels offensive about it, but nobody really likes it either. People are weird.

"How are you today Brett?" Flora asks.

Brett looks up.
"I did sleep."
And he actually did. He was to exhausted after yesterday, so he felt like he had slipped into a sort of coma. And he didn't have any nightmares this night that woke him up.

"I can tell. I'm happy you are looking at me. But you still look quite tired actually. How is the quietness in your head?" Flora asks concerned.

"Still quiet. Not good. Truth be told: I'm actually thinking I'm going crazy."
He turns his eyes downwards again to hide his emotions.

"Let's start then to see if we can make this better. I'm going to ask you very forward questions. I hope you can respond honestly to them, in any way you want and/or can."

"Okay...."
Brett doesn't like the sound of this. But he has to cooperate. Otherwise he won't get better. And he really needs to get his life in check again.

"Have you ever felt depressed like this?" Flora starts.

"Well, yes. It happens from time to time. I'm quite happy-go-lucky most of the time. But sometimes everything just hits me hard and I don't feel so good. But it has never been this intense and it doesn't last this long normally."

"If you rate your inside feelings from 1 to 10, with 10 being up and up and very happy and 1 being suicidal and not wanting to live anymore, where do you scale yourself?"

"I think 2 or 3? Don't worry, I don't want to end myself. But to be honest I wouldn't mind if I accidentally wouldn't wake up anymore. It would all be so, so much easier. I don't know what will happen if I don't get my music back."
The soft spoken words are honest.

"So it feels different from before? Do you know by any chance what is different now? Why you are so depressed now?"

"Several things? I'm always tired. Always. There is no way I can sleep enough to get that away. I hate this Covid time where we can't go on tour or do anything outside the house. I have no distractions to keep my mind busy. I'm not good enough for what I want to achieve, at least I think so. I don't have a real relationship."
Brett doesn't want to say more, he is too embarrassed to say he is pining for the man he is living with, which also happens to be his best friend.

"Have you ever had a 'real' relationship?"

"Well, technically yes. Depends a bid of what you call 'real'. Most of them were quite short lived though."
He thinks about all the lovers he turned down or turned him down after several weeks. He couldn't hold on to anyone long enough, or mostly didn't want to. It was too tiring. Always so very taxing. So very different than the company of Eddy always has been.

"With women? Men?"

"Both. I don't have a preference gender wise, just interest for what kind of mind there is in a body. A mind can be so much more sexy in comparison to the outer image. In my opinion that is."
That is also exactly the reason why all his relationships went south. He didn't like the thoughts, opinions or behaviors his lovers had, although he had liked their body. He knows he really liked the physical contact, but when he doesn't like the mind, he just loses interest in everything else too.

Flora nods, takes a note and crosses her legs.
"Maybe a strange question, but you being a musician, I need to ask this. Did you ever have special music you associated with your relationship for one of them?"

"Well yes, naturally. My ears and music are my life. Even without perfect pitch."
He chuckles softly.
"I still have symphonies I cannot hear without thinking about some of them. As a matter of fact, I have some pieces I don't want to play or hear anymore because of that reason."
He doesn't want to have those memories back, relive nasty breakups, so he avoids the pieces altogether.