When a Man Enters the Shrinks Office...

21) Clearing Clouds

Eddy picks up his phone now in a hurry. Hilary must help him!

"Hi. It's me. Just going to be very direct. I have a huge, huge problem at hand and desperately need your advice. Brett just ran off. He says that he can't take it anymore. I was just teasing him with some stupid actions and double edged words I might better not have done and used and to top it off I entered his privacy without his consent." He just says it blatancy, not sparing himself in the process.

"Okay. What did you do or say then to cause this?"
That's Hilary for you, always the composed practical one and not wasting time.

"Don't be mad, okay? I pretended to be Edwina and ran into the bathroom where he was taking a shower. Just like the bantering we sometimes used to do before. Trying to lure him out, get him to laugh so we could do a comedy sketch or something."
He would like to add: Yes, I screwed up! I know! But Hilary beats him to it. She is merciless.

"That's just pure evil Eddy. Very dickish I must say. You know he has deep feelings for you and a wig is not chancing the fact that it is you underneath. Don't you understand? And then invading his privacy like that?! He was naked for crying out loud?! Poor guy. If it had been me, I would have floored you instantly. I can't believe you did this! This is actually very insensitive of you, and in your defense totally not like you. Why did you do that? What were you thinking! I can't believe this is what you wanted, right?"

"No! Of course not. I don't know. I don't know Hilary! I like to make him smile and cringe a bit at situations, always have. Have fun together you know. I didn't expect it would have this effect. And I thought doing this might get my head clear again too, so double win. I thought I could go back to 'normal' when seeing him naked and hope to get my head straight, literally. That we could go back to normal. And now I blew it all. Again. What should I do Hilary?! I don't know anymore!"
He's starting to hiccup by distress and tears are flowing down his cheek.

"Eddy. Breathe. Try to focus. Use your head. Start with this thought: What is it that YOU want? What do YOU want from Brett? You were giving him 'double edges words' like you told me, while pretending to be Edwina. So that means romantic toned ones? Where do those come from? And you wanted to see him naked because you wanted to get your head straight? What do you mean by straight?"

"I don't know. Why is everyone asking me of all people. I'm the oblivious one here, as always. Well F*ck!" He sobs. "I just want everything to be okay again."

"Hmm. I can imagine. Eddy, try to relax. Breath."

Eddy tries to get his breathing steady again. It's not easy, the panic so very close and overwhelming.
Hilary breathes heavily in an out, urging Eddy to do the same. After a moment when Eddy starts breathing a bit better, Hilary proceeds:

"Eddy? You say you want it to be okay. But when is it okay? Tell me. When is it okay sweetie?"
It sounds like such a short simple question, but not an easy one to answer.
She repeats the question: "When is it okay?"

"Oh man. When is it okay?.. I think.. with Brett by my side again everything will be okay. I want to have fun, tease, quibble, play concerto's and Mario, TwoSet, travel, watch movies and anime, drink Bubble tea, get roasted chicken, but also hug and do just everything together like before. I want that back. I can't do it without him. You know my music sucks big time at this moment. I.., I..., I... don't think I can function wholly without him.... Maybe not live normally... without him...?"
He is surprised by his own words.
A small voice in his head tells him Yes, finally. That is the correct phrase. You don't want a life without Brett, do you? You can't. Eddy's eyes widen in shock, his eyebrows fly up.

"We talked about love a few days ago and that you had some difficulties defining it. But when I hear this my only question is: why do you think this is not love that you feel?"
Hilary states it as a fact.

"But were friends! Mates. Bro's."
Eddy's frustration level rises to the max while he tries to deny that screaming inner voice which is struggling get it's advise to him. He is so scared of it. He runs his fingers through his hair, messing it even more up in the process.

"Tell me sweetie. Why can't you be all that what you said with a lover. The best relationships are when the minds are in sync with each other. When you are friends to start with. And you have proven several times that you both share one brain cell, don't you. In my opinion the only thing different between Brett being a friend or a lover is the physical part. So the real question is: would you mind? Do you want that with Brett? And yes, you're men. So what! There are a lot of different ways of love and love making for that part. You just have to figure out what you two want. Why should it only be man/women? F*ck that cliché. Of course you need to be attracted to the body of the other. But a little birdie tells me something has happened before. So for the rest I think it's just convention that you don't want to be gay or something. And maybe you are not even gay, or bi or whatever, but it's just Brett. Don't try to label it if it makes you unsure. Don't make it so difficult for yourself."

"........"
There is a long pause. Eddy repeats her words over and over again in his head. She sees right through his petty reasons that he thought were true for so long.
Just for Brett? Just for him? Maybe she is right?....!
A new feeling starts to bubble in his chest.
It's new, but also so very, very familiar.
Oh no. He has been so stupid! He's made a huge mistake!

"Hilary, you are a genius! I'm sorry, I have to go. I have to find Brett. Thank you!"

"Good luck honey. I'm rooting for you."