When a Man Enters the Shrinks Office...

16) Confession 1

"It's because you are my problem Eddy."

The words are spoken softly, but they sounds so harsh. And it's the truth. They both know it.
They hit Eddy hard, like daggers in his soul. He feels his heart stop. He wants the earth to swallow him whole. He has always been afraid that some day they would have to live apart again. That Brett would have enough of him, go in a different direction. Go solo or something. Join an orchestra again, or some other musical career.
But he didn't expect it to be now, and certainly not like this. And in all the scenarios he has never questioned that they would always be friends.
With a small voice Eddy stutters:

"B-B-But I don't know what I did wrong. I really don't. Please Brett, just tell me! I will fix it. I promise!" Tears are falling down his face.

"Ah F*ck it. Eddy. You don't understand, do you?! It's not you. It's me! You didn't do anything wrong. Look..."
He runs a hand through his already messed up hair, wiping his tears violently of his cheek.
"Look Ed. How THICK can you be! You are just too nice, too funny, too pretty, too lovable, too perfect!"
He throws his hands in the air to emphasize this statement.
"You think we are friends. Bro's. Mates. And of course we are that, the best even, and already for so long. But I so desperately want the 'Mate' thing to evolve. For already years I can't help but wanting more and more. I want you. Wholly. And foremost I want to be with you all the way, as partners, as lovers, with everything that comes with that position, forever, side by side. And I know... I know... you... don't feel that way."

He lets out a sigh and a tear wells in his eye again. With a desperate look he looks up at the man he loves for already so long who is staring at him with his eyes wide open in shock.

"So yes, I need to take some distance from you to sort this out. Because I don't want to lose you. I still want us to be the best friends. I want TwoSet. I want to live together. And that you don't have to worry about me or my feelings for you. And I promise you we will have that back. Really. But it takes a bit time until I have my heart and brain in check again."

So there you have it. Chew on that Eddy. So now, what will you do? Will you stay or will you run? Brett is so scared what Eddy's reaction will be and almost doesn't dare to look. He feels like fainting.

But Eddy is just staring at him utterly flabbergasted, unable to say anything at all. He's looking absolutely dumbstruck at his best friend sitting there with such a sad expression on his tear stained face. Eddy has thought about a lot of scenarios, but definitely hasn't considered this one for one serious moment.
For years? You've wanted more? What?
He opens his mouth, but needs to close it because he can't process a decent answer. He tries again, but his words are not working, they are stuck in his throat. He looks like a freaking fish, trying to breath above water. He feels like one too. It would have been comical if it wasn't for this situation. He just doesn't know what to say or how to react. After what feels like an eternity he finally gets his voice a bit under control he says so soft and so unsure:

"Brett... What are you saying?... I'm sorry...".

Brett sighs.
"I know bro. I know. It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm so sorry too. So let me be for a while, okay? It will be all right. It will. Eventually."

Brett stands up and walks away from the man he would really love to hug, hold tight into his arms, kiss and stroke his back for reassurance. But it cannot be.

When he reaches his bedroom he is dizzy and almost hyperventilating. His door isn't even totally closed yet when the tears start streaming down his face. But he is also relieved. Finally no more secrets. Finally! The ghost is out of the bottle. It's clear now for both parties. Now he can start to move on and heal. He sinks to the ground, because his legs can't hold him anymore, getting support of the ground underneath him and starts to cry as softly as he can. His pulls up his knees, wraps his arms around them and rest his face on his folded arms. The tears making his sleeves wet, his body shaking.
You can do this Brett. It only takes time. Oh Eddy, please give me this and don't run or cut me off. God, I so hope you don't run. Please oh please.