When a Man Enters the Shrinks Office...

22) Confessions 2

How on earth did I not see it?! Was I really this thick? What have I done! I need to fix it.
Ok. Where did he run away to? Where is he? His coat is still here with keys in it. So not the car. His shoes are also here. He wouldn't run off outside without shoes, right? So I guess he's not far... But he doesn't want to be inside in this mental state, will he. He needs air...
Maybe the roof? He likes to stargaze nowadays. Oh God, such a bad place because of the heights! It always makes me queasy when I think of that place, afraid he might fall, stumble or jump or something, lost forever. Oh no! He won't jump right?
He runs upstairs, skipping every other step, his heart pounding in his chest. God, how many stairs does a building need?!
When he is at the top he is breathing heavily. I need to work out more he thinks as a side-note.
He throws the window open and YES! There he is! Sitting on the railing, as small as he can get, knees up to his chest, head resting on his arms, tears in his eyes, there is the small figure of his love.
Eddy wants to go to him, but it's so high.
Oh god, why here of all places!

"This is high Brett. Let's talk. Please come inside?"

"No. Leave me be. Go away."
Brett answers in a low soft teary voice. He refuses to look at him.

Eddy takes a deep breath and climes out of the window, shaky, but determination in his heart and on his face. He will do this!
He shuffles over to his best friend and sits down next to him. When not looking down it's okay. His gaze wanders along his friends profile. Looking at him now is as if seeing him for the very first time. This is so different than a few hours ago.
Oh man. Yes, he really does look beautiful. Just like someone put an Instagram filter on his image. Why did I not see this before? How on earth did I not see?! This beautiful man with thick black messy hair, small nose, well curved mouth, perfect straight teeth, most pretty eyes I ever have seen behind this thick glasses. I must finally admit to myself that he is everything for me. And more.
It's like all his feelings involving Brett just hit him hard, bursting out of the cells he always had kept safely locked away, piercing now through his heart. How did he manage to keep them hidden for so long? It's a roller-coaster now the released voices are finally being able to scream love.

"Brett... I'm so, so sorry."
Eddy looks closely at Brett's reaction, but can't help mumbling
"Man, you look so different to me now. Beautiful."
He has a hard time to proceed without crying.
"Please lis.."

Brett immediately interrupts him.
"For freak sake Eddy! Don't! Just don't! I just don't understand you! I don't understand anything anymore! With what kind of eyes are you looking at me?! What are we? Just bro's? Or maybe somewhere deep down something else? You drive me nuts!"
Finally his gaze diverts to him. He looks still angry, but there is also a sense of defeat, sadness.
"I don't think I can do it anymore Eddy. I can't. I tried so hard to let go. Desperately tried to put away all my feelings. Tried to just bask in the moment of your attention with TwoSet, while practicing, just being together and trying not to want more. Tried to forget all the rest. But it's not working! It's not! And now this? What the fuck? I really can't do it anymore. It's eating me up. I don't have enough energy left to do this. Stop! Tormenting! Me!"
He grits his teeth spitting out the last three words.

"But that's why I'm here. I want to explain. Will you please just hear me out."
Brett rolls his eyes and rises a bit to get up and walk away.
No, no, no, that is not what Eddy wants. What should he do? Suddenly he realizes.

"Wait. Okay. I know something better. Don't listen then, but understand this!"

He quickly bends over before Brett can react and kisses him softly on his lips. His hands enclose Brett's face, pulling him closer and wipe away the tears with his long fingers. He then tilts Brett's head gently a bit backwards leaning in for the next kiss. He throws as much feeling into it as he possibly can, trying to get his new found feelings across. He now knows he loves kissing those soft lips. He makes it a passionate kiss, although the receiving end is not all that helpful.
When he pulls away he sees Brett looking at him in disbelieve with wide startled eyes.

"Brett... Sorry you had to wait so long for me. Sorry I didn't get my feelings clear for me and for you. But I really can see you now the way I'm destined to. I can totally see us. Together. If you still have me that is."
He shyly looks at Brett.

Brett looks dumbstruck. He blinks a few times quick.
"What?"

"I guess what I'm trying to say is: I love you. I also think I have loved you for a long time, but was too thick to acknowledge it. I'm so, so sorry I've kept you hanging like that. Can you forgive me?"

Brett looks utterly confused at Eddy, not knowing what to think and feel, all anger gone, leaving only questions. Again he blinks a few times quickly. He has a hard time coping.

"You serious?"
There is a frown in his forehead as he looks in disbelieve at the tall man beside him.

"Yes. I love you."
Now he has said it for the third time, it feels more true than ever. It is so relieving. He wants to be able to rip his heart out to show it beats for Brett and Brett alone. What a revelation! This feeling is so overwhelming, like a dam broke loose and all the feelings are coming in a huge tsunami washing over him.

A few seconds go by before Brett answers. His eyebrows in a frown, wrinkles in his forehead. He doesn't believe one bit of this new Eddy. He blinks another few times before looking up, still confusion on his face, the tears gone.

"Okay... Then why don't you show me."
Clearly he wants to test him.

"That I will. I promise. But please inside? This height gives me the chills."
Eddy shakily rises and holds his hand out to take Brett's.
With a shrug Brett takes it and gets up.