A Diary - Calling For You

✧Starlit Confession✧

I had felt that feeling before. Maybe not for the mountains but you. The competitive surface to claim you, to make you mine.

And then, it was time. Akira's birthday was here. I'd say he already had the best time of his life, but it had just started.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUD!" I exclaimed as the time hit 12:00 AM. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY AKIRA!" Anli hugged him, shouting. "Happy birthday cry-baby!" You laughed while he gave you a disappointed look. "Still not over it, are you?" He groaned with a cringe. "Man, you look like a fun guy, I'll have to admit." Gorou Senpai continued. "Happy birthday!"

And then, we were about to walk up the last steps to the heaven of Fuji. My fingers ached in the winter wind as I clenched and unclenched them, trying to keep the feeling in their tips. The air was chasing my ears like a torch chasing away the darkness. "You may take the honour, sir." I stretched my arm and presented the final steps to Akira. "Oh man, that is so not you! Stop with it already."

"I will if you tell me to" I followed the steps of Akira, as I saw the edge of the world. My words started to stop in my throat. My eyes were starting to tear up from the Arctic air, or maybe the feeling of such pleasure that my eyes couldn't hold it. The tears were falling down my cheeks but I was too deep into the beauty of the scenario. "You're delusional." Akira whispered, not moving a limb, with a shine in his eyes. "I told you it would change your every thought, didn't it?" I answered while still looking at the heaven horizon while my hair glided along the breeze. "Oh man, I lost another argument, didn't I? But it was worth the wait, the leg-breaking hiking. The crying, the running. Everything. It was totally. Absolutely. Worth it." I was hugging myself knowing that all of my plan was actually working out. I am still absolutely sure that the movies, the trampoline park, or anything else would have been nothing in the face of it. Because this one was indeed the best trip I had ever gone on.

We both were so into each other and the front that we forgot that it was a special moment for another person too. Anli was standing a bit far away from us, just enjoying her own personal time having the best view ever. But I couldn't have just left her there enjoying something alone when she just gave me a mesmerizing speech against that. "You were so fake when you went 'die with me, will ya?' I can smell your need to stay alone right now." I grabbed her neck from behind, as I realize it was freezing cold. "Oh, right. I forgot about that part. But don't I deserve to spend this moment alone?  Making the memory for the rest of my life, so that I can remember this picture in my mind and not some mobile phone or something. The memories stay, pictures don't."

She had turned into a whole different person. The Anli I knew was not this deep into thoughts. She was the one who would not give anything a second thought, the girl who lived in the moment, the one who would stand still on her words - that's what I pictured her as. But she had started to be hesitant about everything. She was turning...mature. "Okay, this moment is meant to be mine!" You started to walk toward us from behind. "We're gonna do a thing for your 'memory' thing. We are gonna stand as near the edge as we can and then...shout out a confession about ourselves! That is gonna be embarrassing. But I like it like that." You had your arms behind your back, standing on your toes, with a wide smile on your face.

"I'm in."

"So am I."

Both Anli and Akira agreed on doing it. So I pretty much did not have a choice. "I'm being forced. This is not right. Why is it always me? Why am I in the minority?" I started to whisper to myself. "I'm just gonna stand here and not pay attention to a word you guys say. You can be as loud as you can." Gorou Senpai walked back a few steps and put on his earphones. "This time, you're not being forced." You walked a couple of steps towards me, "You can step back if you want  to." You were gazing at me with no emotion. "Held the string, didn't you? I'd feel left out if I step back now. And if I talk about not being forced, this is passive forcing, you think I won't get it? Hah." I easily agreed with it. The confession. It was time. This was not a part of my plan but now that I had made up my mind about it, I had to do it. The time when you had to know. The time when they had to know. The point for which you're probably reading this. It was here.

We walked as far as we could, keeping our fears in our mind. "On the count of three." We took a deep breath as you started to count down. "3...2...1" I closed my eyes, and everything went silent. The ears which were almost frozen were heating up. The eyes which were bubbled up had a drought. Even the chaotic wind hushed for that fraction of a second which felt like a lifetime.

I don't know if anybody else confessed but I was living in a dream, not in the moment anymore. My mind had gone white like I was in heaven but in a room. It was dead silent. Even the silence was inaudible for me to tell. I was walking, taking small steps, confused. I was trying to figure out where exactly was I. I kept walking but the room was never-ending. I looked around me but it was all clear bright. I ran far away when I saw something dark, like a void. I tried to run towards it but I couldn't reach it. I was panting and sweating, stretching out my hand to touch it. But it was of no use. It was going away as I sprinted towards it. I ran with all my strength, but I fell.

I glanced up, towards it to notice that it stopped. I pushed my palm toward the floor when I saw it get bigger at an incredible pace, or maybe it was getting closer to me. Soon enough it started to capture the room in my front. I was laying still just on the edge of the white. I slowly stood up and took a look behind me. It was a nightmare. The room was being scribbled to black at a massive pace. I jumped backward and felt like an incredibly strong force pulled me in the same direction.

I was standing in the black room. It was the complete opposite, I could hear extremely loud whispers. I could not tell what it was saying but my body was starting to dismantle. My arms were turning into cuboids, disconnecting from my torso, my legs were bouncing on the ground as they just dropped off from my body and my head was floating.

And suddenly...  The all-black void turned into a beautiful night sky. I was standing still, around the cluster of stars. I took a 360-degree turn around me to witness the beauty I knew nothing about. It was like I was floating, but I could walk just fine. But suddenly, as I was capturing all of it in my mind, the stars turned into an asterism. It turned into our memories. Every single moment of us together was flashing before my eyes. The joyful memories which stay forever. The moments that we could die to live again for. Experiencing the obsession again. The competitive feeling again. The jealousy. The nights we spent talking together to the mornings you suddenly showed up on. From the unstoppable laughs together to even sobbing with you. The time when you read my diary without asking for my permission, to when you were acting all distant. The time when you were sick to the time when we went on a car ride together. The time when I had to spend days without you to when we would work on the research for hours together. Every second was worth it. All the pain, all the jealousy. It was all worth the time I got to spend with you. Almost a year together but it wasn't enough. I fell on my knees, sobbing like I was the last person alive. Like I had nothing to care for. Maybe it was all just in my mind, but it was beautiful. I had my hands bound with each other, my eyes were closed.

I couldn't stand the fact that... "I AM MOVING OVERSEAS!" As I opened my eyes, I was back at the top of Mount Fuji. Still, on my knees, I was crying. I was going away. I was going far away from you... from all of you guys.