Fate || BENNIFER

Enough

Jennifer's P.O.V

Rehearsal morning. An outright disaster. I wouldn't get a single step right. We always changed the dance for On The Floor, not because we didn't like it but because we wanted it to feel fresh in every performance. The dancers were great, they nailed it every single time.
I hadn't received any calls from him in two weeks, and maybe that was the reason why my mind seemed to be miles away from my body, maybe not. But we needed to have a conversation, that was for sure. I couldn't stop failing, it was frustrating. I really needed to do something about it.

"Okay. From the top." I said walking back to my position.

"Jennifer... you clearly need to rest." My choreographer walked to me.

"I'm fine. I'll keep trying until I get it right." I said even though a part of me knew she was right.

I turned around to look at the dancers, they were stretching and waiting for me, probably frustrated watching me mess up all the attempts to reach the end of the choreography.

"Don't demand so much of yourself. We all have bad days." She said handing me a water bottle. "You are not sleeping much lately. I can tell. I know you well enough to recognize that face."

"It's just that I can't focus. I forget the steps." I explained between sips.

"And when has that happened to you?" She asked crossing her arms.

That question resonated in my head. Dancing had never been a problem for me, not even when I had bad days. Now I seemed like a clown with two left feet.

"Never." I answered looking down. "Just one more time."

"Just one. Then I wanna see you walk out of that door." She said and I smiled giving her the bottle.

We took it from the top. I skipped a few steps not to miss the tempo, so we wouldn't have to stop. This time it seemed better, but the hardest part was just starting. I was supposed to be lifted by two dancers, but my collocation wasn't right, so when they thrust me up, the mistake made me fall from their shoulders. It wasn't my worst fall, not even close, but I would definitely get a bruise. They were more worried than I was. I guess it looked worse from their perspective.

"Jennifer!" She ran to me.

She had been my choreographer for longer than I could remember and in a way, I felt like I was disappointing her. But she was right. I couldn't dance if my presence was only physical. She had seen me go through the darkest times in my life, but this was different.

"Guys, we're done for today. Go home." She said to the dancers as she sat next to me on the floor.

"I'm sorry." I said looking at us in the mirror.

"Why do you feel like you have to apologize?" She asked. "You don't have to. Unless the apology is for you, for being so hard on yourself."

I wanted to find the words, tell her that there was a reason, but I didn't even know if there was a reason at all.

"Jen... this is not the end of the world. You know that. You'll nail it. You always do." She said rubbing my back and I smiled. "Go home." She stood and took my hands to pull me up. "Take a shower, eat something, hug your kids, and please... have some sleep."

It wasn't easy, but she made me giggle after all. Thanks to her advice, I could pick up the kids from school, have lunch with them, and spend the rest of the day like a normal mom would. I just wished I could rewind those five years to start over and enjoy every second knowing that time flies when you have children. Being more present mentally is something I would've changed. But apart from that, those kids were amazing. They were kind, loving, and smart. That's something I knew I had done well. And that was enough for me.