Fate || BENNIFER

Every Step Of The Way

Jennifer's P.O.V

My breathing was heavy and labored. I was having a nightmare, one that seemed to grip my mind and refused to let go. I had been tossing and turning all night, my mind a raging sea of anxiety and confusion.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my arm. My eyes fluttered open to find Ben next to me, awake and trying to soothe me.

"It's okay. You're okay." Ben said softly.

My heart was beating so hard that I thought it was going to fly out of my chest. I sat up and looked around the room, it was clear that everything was just fine and as it should be.

"It was just a nightmare." He held my hand tightly.

It was just a dream, I told myself as I took frantic breaths, trying to calm myself down. The images began to fade from my mind, but the feeling still had a grip on my body.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked rubbing my back gently.

I shook my head and leaned on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. But his touch only seemed to make it worse.

"You're shaking." He said. Only then I realized.

Eventually, I managed to slow down my breathing and relax my tense muscles. I took a few deep breaths to stop the involuntary panting.

I looked at the clock and saw it was nearly 3 a.m. I knew I wouldn't be able to put myself back to sleep anytime soon, so I got up and made my way down to the kitchen. I stumbled slightly in the darkness, my eyes adjusting slowly to the lack of light. I grabbed a cup and poured cold water from the fridge. I sat on a stool and took a sip from the cup, my hands finally feeling steady around it.

As I put the cup down on the island in front of me, I heard the floor slightly cracking behind me. I turned. A different kind of sadness set in when I saw him.

"What's wrong?" His concern was evident in his voice, his body, his breathing.

"I saw her." I said. He looked confused. "At the awards."

"That was weeks ago. Why didn't you tell me?" He tried to reach my face, but I moved slightly to avoid his hand.

I stood, and with my arms crossed against my body, I walked away from him and towards the window. As I gazed out at the deep dark sky, I felt that bitter deja vu I had feared since I let Ben back into my life. Memories of our first time as a couple filled my mind, the sad ones, bringing a sense of unpleasant familiarity.

I let out a deep sigh as I remembered the last fights, the last sleepless nights. Our bed had never felt so cold. We were in the same bed, but it felt like we were miles away from each other. I closed my eyes, and tears began to form around the edges of my eyes, because the bad moments couldn't overshadow the endless joy and laughter he had brought to my life.

"Do you still love her?" My voice quavered.

"What? No!" He wanted to raise his voice but continued whispering so as not to wake the kids. "Why are you asking me that?"

"You're still married to her." I said. "She made sure to remind me."

"That paper isn't tying me to her emotionally." He grabbed my hand. "Jennifer, that paper doesn't say the word love. It's more of a legal matter, kids involved... but believe me when I tell you that by the time our baby is born, that paper will no longer be a problem."

I turned my back on him once again. His words were more than solid, but his actions told me something completely different. My head and my heart were at war, once more.

"We were having fun, weren't we? Before commitment entered the game. But to be completely honest, I was afraid of my own feelings all along." I turned around to look at him. "I couldn't keep my defenses up with you, it just took me too long to realize. Everything would've been over that night at the Golden Globes, you know that. I bet you remember my words when the doors of the elevator opened."

"That was the last time." We said at the same time.

"I used to think we made a good couple, when we were young and free." I added.

"I still think it." He said. "Of course none of this was on my vision board, but, was it on yours? And, were we having fun? Hell yes! And the unhealthiest version of myself started to disappear since the very first night we spent together." He took a step forward. "Do you remember it?"

I would lie if I said that that didn't make my lips curve slightly. Even my body loosened a little.

"We were staying at the same hotel, but we didn't know until we ran into each other in the hall. I only wanted a bottle of water and thought I could stretch my legs before going to sleep. I could've never imagined that would be such a great choice. I heard voices coming from the elevator, and when I turned around, there you were, looking prettier than ever. You were wearing a fitted dress that hugged your curves in all the right places. It had a very sensual low neck that didn't reveal as much as I would've liked."

And he finally made me giggle. A shy smile remained on my face.

"The dress fell just above your knees and the material shimmered under the soft lights of the hall. It was a perfect match for your red stilettos." He continued.

"How do you remember those details?" I asked in disbelief.

"You wore a gold necklace and a pair of matching gold hoops. Your hair cascaded in loose waves over your shoulders, but my eyes couldn't remain there after your lips painted with bold red lipstick caught my attention." He had to take a deep breath after so many details. "You were surrounded by an entourage, but our eyes got to meet for a split second. When I raised my hand to wave it, you were already walking out the front door." He chuckled remembering the moment. "I didn't know your room number or how to contact any of the people who were with you. And though I had your number, I had never used it. So I turned to the valet and asked for your room, he won't be the most discreet employee."

"I still can't believe he told you so easily." I laughed.

"When I finally gathered the courage to knock on your door, you opened before I could do it.  Not because you knew I was there but because you had other plans. I said hi. You said hi. And the rest is history." He pursed his lips. "Many people thought and still think I'm a cheater because I'm legally married. But you knew we hadn't even lived together for months when we started seeing each other. You believed me without any kind of proof, and that's all that mattered." He raised his hands to cup my face. "What will it take for you to believe that I'll be by your side every step of the way?"

I didn't answer, but I hugged him with every muscle in my body. Now I could only focus on the warm spot I had found on his chest.

"I'm sorry you found yourself in that situation." He stroked my arm while I remained at a loss for words.