Leave the World on Read

Overwhelmed ( JJ Maybank x Reader )

Do you have a job yet? Can you come help me with this or are you too good for it? You're annoying, you're infuriating, you're lazy, you're selfish, you're a bitch, you're a liar, I don't believe you, yeah right, can you do anything right, you're such a fuck up, you're such a disappointment, you're not trying hard enough, you're not doing everything you can, you're inconsiderate, get out of my sight, I can't stand you, you make me sick, you can't even do one simple little thing for me. The barrage of self esteem destroying, emotional abuse just kept coming being spewed left and right by my mother. What did I do wrong you may ask? I either, said the wrong thing, gave the wrong answer, unintentionally/ unknowingly had a 'tone', did the chores I was told to do, did the errands I was told to do, doing everything in my power to do everything I'm supposed to be doing, when, where and how, I'm supposed to be doing it, going above and beyond, trying to remember and do every little thing you might ask me to do before you ask me to do it, then getting berated because I did it wrong or because you wanted to do it, alas it's not good enough, it's never good enough, I'm not good enough, will I ever be enough?, doesn't seem like it. I try and I try and I try and I try, but I always fuck up, fail, and/or fall flat on my face. Once my mother has sent me to my room, once again sneering how she can't stand me, I shut my door behind me and pick up my backpack that's basically my purse that I carry everywhere. I pack my phone, a charger, some clothes, a book, my sketchbook, pencil case of drawing supplies, my camera, my journal, a previously packed bagged lunch style meal, a hoodie that I 'borrowed' from my boyfriend, a lantern, some matches, my full water bottle, a blanket, and my glasses case. I also grabbed an outdoor blanket to sit on that has it's own carry strap and my skateboard and car keys. I throw my stuff in the backseat of my car, making sure my surfboard's securely strapped to the roof of my car and drove off. Taking a few deep breaths and furiously wiping at my tears to no avail I mentally reviewed my options at this given moment. My boyfriend and our friends already have so much on their plates way more than any teenagers should, I don't want to cause any unnecessary worry, upset, or burden. So I settled for going to the opposite side of the island, to the very edge, where there's a little cave I discovered that I've never seen anybody even come close too, that I don't think anyone else has actually ever set foot in besides one other person who used to be my best friend, and sure I've told JJ about it and promised to birng him here but we've just been so busy there hasn't been any time. So after parking in public parking, slinging my bag and the blanket onto my shoulder, I make my way up the rocks and through the small hike and into the cave, I set my stuff down and sit on the edge that overlooks the sea and just let myself feel and be, I'm so overwhelmed, so frazzled that I'm close to just exploding that I know if I don't take the time to feel what I'm feeling, and sit with the emotions and just allow my body and mind to do it's thing, that I will explode and more than likely somewhere where I don't want to and more than likely accidentally hurting someone that I didn't intend to. So a form of self care I suppose. I let the tears run freely and let out the sobs as they surface, just letting go, crying, weeping, sobbing, screaming, kicking, punching, stomping, throwing things, smacking a stick around like it's a baseball bat, just having an emotional release in a place where I felt safe, where I knew I wouldn't be judged or deemed crazy, where nobody but maybe accidentally me would get hurt. "WHY?? WHY ME??" I asked no one in particular. My knuckles burned from where I'd punched them raw on the cave wall. Too overwhelmed and caught in the throws of my current emotional outburst I didn't hear the arrival of another person. In fact it wasn't until they placed their hands on my shoulders and said 'hey' did I notice they were there. Startled I jumped swinging around arm raised ready to deliver a blow, only to stop and let my arm drop lifelessly back down upon realising it was Rafe Cameron standing hands raised in surrender. Out of breath, shoulders heaving with my heavy distraught breathing I muttered, "Just get it over with." Thinking he was just going to make fun of me. We used to be close growing up, our families always doing things together and what not, but then I befriended the pogues and ended up dating one of them, and I've always hated the stupid rivalry but Rafe seemed to take it a little too seriously, thus resulting in us growing apart. "Get what over with?" He asked softly genuine confusion mixed with concern gracing his features. "If your here to make fun of me or belittle me, just do it, I've already had the parental shit show, seems fitting for one from my peers now." I sighed sniffling and dropping defeatedly onto the rocky ledge. "I'm not, I wasn't going to, I just.. I was walking on the beach and I heard crying so I came to see if whoever it was, was okay." Rafe explained sitting down next to me. "I mean clearly you're not, dumb question, do... do you want to talk about it?" he comfortingly patted my shoulder. "No need to burden someone else, I'm sure you've got your own problems." I tried to offer a watery smile. "Oh y/n you're not a burden, it's not good to keep your feelings all bottled up, trust me I learned that the hard way." Rafe let out a soft chuckle. "Thanks for checking on me, and for deeming me worthy of your time." I gently joked back. "You've always been worthy, always will be... what happened to us?" He asked sadly gently inspecting the bloody knuckles on the back of my hand. "We grew apart, found different friends. and that stupid god awful pointless rivalry." I said. "Can we be friends again?" He asked hopefully. "Will you leave my friends alone?" I asked. "I'll try." He nodded. "Then we'll give it a try, I'd like that." I nodded giving him a hug. "Also if you won't talk to me, at least talk to your boyfriend, that's one of the jobs that comes with the territory." Rafe chided. "But I don't- they already have so much goin-" he cut me off, "Y/n I swear to god if you finish that sentence, you and your feelings are valid, you could never be a burden especially if he loves you as much as he seems too." Rafe explained. "Ok." I bobbed my head. We sat in silence for a moment until it was pierced by the ringing of his phone. I sat silently and turned my face to the wind so it could dry my tears as he briefly took the call. Once he hung up he sighed and turned to me. "I really, really don't want to go, but my Dad needs me for a business thing and if I don't go He'll have my head. I'm so so sorry y/n." Rafe explained wrapping me in a brief hug. "I totally get it don't worry we can catch up some other time, go don't keep Ward waiting." I smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly. "Ok, but in the meantime, seriously, talk to Maybank, don't ever tell him I said this but, If he's half the guy he shows himself to be, he wants you to trust him, and for you to be able to come to him about anything, just like how he comes to you to talk right?" Rafe asked. "...Okay you've got a point, I'll talk to him. Thanks again." I saluted. Rafe chuckled and waved as he walked out of the cave. The sun had set by now and the sea breeze has cooled things off significantly, so I filled the little dug in fire pit I made and lit a small fire to warm up with, since I also wasn't ready to leave. I held my hands out and rubbed them together warming them up before digging out my journal and a pen, deciding to get all my current thoughts out on paper. I got so carried away journaling that I didn't realise the hours had slipped away and it was now 5 minutes to midnight.