At My Worst (Eng - ATEEZ FANFIC)

1 - SAYA POV

Present day (2022)...

Uncertain kisses...
Of those times when you don't know if you should continue or stop. Of those times when you don't know if it's the right moment or the right person; but my mind couldn't handle it anymore, too many things have happened to refrain myself. I just wanted to feel one more time, because a part of me was absent but there was still something worth loving.

Standing in the middle of my apartment, through the picture window behind us, the April moon shines down on us.

Both of us were face to face staring at each other's eyes with certain doubt, but in the end we gave in. He comes a little closer to me until I can feel his breath, I slowly close my eyes to then feel a touch on my lips, he caresses my lips with his finger and kisses me delicately. I know his eyes are open, so I open mine too. I see softness in the brightness of his irises. He kisses me again, softly, this time with our eyes closed.

It felt right, like if it was what I should be doing. His hand caresses my cheek while my hand holds onto a dining chair next to me. He gently holds my hand and I let go of the chair when I feel his hand on my waist. I slowly run my hand on his arm until I reach his neck, when my fingers touch the back of his neck I feel his skin bristle; he steps away from me and looks me in the eye again.

With my hand, I go from the back of his neck to his lips and with my thumb I caress the mole on his lower lip, he closes his eyes the moment I do so, as if he felt peace with my touch. He puts his hand with mine on his cheek, I kiss his other mole under his eye and then I go back to his lips.

But now it's different, I feel him go faster. I don't want this to get out of control, it wouldn't be the best in the middle of everything that happens oblivious to this moment. Without noticing, my back is now against the wall and, feeling somewhat overwhelmed, I choose to stop him.

-Wait, stop...- I tell him in between breaths, trying to focus my eyes on his. I gently push him away a little, taking him by his shoulders- ... I don't think it's the best. -

He looks at me somewhat confused with his lips half-opened . He closes and opens his eyes as if he was trying to see clearly.

-I'm sorry, you're right. It's best to leave it like this...- He turns his sight to the ground and stutters a little- Uhm, I think that...- He takes some steps away - I think I should leave. -

He goes back to the dining room and takes his jacket he had left on a chair.

-Wait...- I call him when I see him walking away- Stay for a little while, don't leave me yet... I don't want to be alone. - His eyes don't judge me, they comfort me, he looks at me with empathy.

-I can't, pretty one... I couldn't. - He smiles at me as he throws the jacket on his shoulders

I slowly walk towards him and, with one hand, I take his hand that hanged on his side, and with my other hand I put down his jacket and place it in the chair again.

-I know- I say softly- But it's ok, I know you wouldn't do anything- I lay my hand on the back of his neck and I bring him closer until our foreheads touch- You'll be ok- I look him in the eye with sweetness- I'll be ok- I caress his cheek with my hand- We'll be ok- I hug him and feel his arms surrounding my waist.

He gently steps away and looks at me, thinking on what to say.

-I know you feel lonely and that you want him by your side- He places my hair behind my ears- I know that you sometimes wish I were him, but I'm not... Even though, I promise you I will do everything to be the person you need. -

His words feel like a parachute, the past 8 months have been very tormentous, but knowing he's here with me helps me go on. A small tear falls through my face, I close my eyes and I feel how he kisses my forehead.

-I think it's time to say goodbye...- I say, still with my eyes closed. I know these words caught him off guard, even I feel odd because of what I just said. I feel his fingers wiping away my tears- I need to say goodbye so I can move on... Could you take me there?

The road is quiet. We are both immersed in our own thoughts; there's me trying to think of what I'm going to do and say when we get there, and he is focused on what could happen after this. In a red light I take his hand that's resting in the gear lever and right at that moment something changed inside of me.

Seeing him exactly like that, in front of the steering wheel with a hand holding his chin and the other one holding my hand, it made everything seem to be in its place. He turns to look at me and smiles, he smiles in a way that makes me forget everything for a while, even my own thoughts.

-Everything will be ok- He says to me just like that. Some simple words that fill my heart with peace.

When we arrive, I get out of the car and ask him to wait for me outside. This is something I have to do on my own, it would be harder with him there, I wouldn't want to throw this burden on him too.

-I won't go anywhere, I'll wait here. - He says to me through the window once I'm out of the car.

-Thank you- I smile at him and then walk to the doors, but I missed something. I go back and knock on the car's window, he sees me and opens it.

- Everything alright? - He sticks his head out and I kiss him on the cheek.- I'll be here- He tells me with a comforting smile that gives me the strength I need to go inside and confront one of the hardest moments of my life.

Walking through those halls is now something familiar. I used to get lost and walk around the same floor several times, but now I know this place more than the city streets. People know me here too and when I walk in they greet me, but it's late night already so the place is almost empty and, despite the light, it looks a bit cold, or maybe that's me, at least some would say that about me right now.

When I'm about to knock on the door, I realized how absurd that would be, so I just walk in.

-Hi- I say with a smile in a low voice, almost whispering, while I open the door.

When I'm inside, I stop for a few moments before I close the door, I take a deep breath and then I carry on.

That sound again; each time it's even more deafening and overwhelming. Although it's a life indicator, it just reminds me of what I've lost.

-Hi, lovey- I talk to him when I sit next to him- How have you been?- I caress his face and a small tear falls down my cheek. I take his hand with delicacy and draw a heart with my finger in the palm of his hand, just like we used to do before.

-You look better than yesterday- I smile at him with softness- You know... these days I've missed you very much, your smile, your eyes that were always shining like stars, when you laughed out loud...

I feel how my heart breaks a little more as I remember the past. I've been through this several times but now it's different.

-I also realized that, for as much as I want to... For as much as I love you, all of that are just memories... - My voice breaks because of my crying, this is harder than I thought. I don't want to continue. I just stay there, holding his hand with a sad smile on my face. Moments of the past replay in my head.

I caress his face again, I run my thumb through his forehead, nose and lips like I used to do. Finally, I kiss his forehead.

-I came to say goodbye, lovey- I put my forehead against his- You know I love you, right? This is hard... The hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life- A sob comes between my words- But I have to let you go...- I kiss his forehead again for a little longer. Before I go, I take his hand and draw a heart on his palm again, but this time...
-Seong? - Something that has just left me speechless. His hand....

Note:
This fanfic came out from a bias crisis 😅