At My Worst (Eng - ATEEZ FANFIC)

18 - SEONGHWA POV

2017...

Jongho's words play repeatedly in my head as I walk back home.

"We're more of a family to her than her own mother."
"She never talks about her personal life, we've never seen her cry, we've never been to her house, we've never met her mom."
"She started calling my mom 'mom', but she calls hers by name"
"We try to help, but it's hard when you have to pretend you don't know. Maybe she doesn't trust us enough..."

I don't think it's about trust. I've been there before, I know it's not about trust. I've seen her with them, she would give her life for her friends. I believe she's not open about her feelings, thoughts and life outside that garage for the simple fact that she needs people in her life that are unaware of her pain, so she can also be unaware of it, and escape for a moment.

"I can see the way she looks at you, as if she were willing to tell you her whole life and deepest secret. Do for us what we can't, let her know it's ok to cry."

The way she looks at me, the way I look at her, the way we look at each other. What does it mean? What should I do? Jongho told me there's a lot I don't know about her, and he's right, but why does it feel as if I've known her forever? Why do I feel like sharing every bit of myself with her?

She's lonely, I've been told. So was I, was it my purpose to find her?
She doesn't share her burdens, I came to know. So did I, or still, maybe. But now that I've got rid of mine, I could take hers, right?
She finds it hard to smile some days, I've heard. I know the feeling, I could help her find reasons to smile, can't I?

It's getting darker by the minute. Street lights illuminate the neighborhood. I should walk on the sidewalk, but don't you enjoy the panorama of walking right in the middle of the road?

A few meters away I see something, someone. Tripping and falling down. Saya? Why are you not standing up? You have been crying, haven't you? Who are you running from?

Don't worry, I'm here. You don't have to feel alone anymore.

***

I walk her home. She opens her heart to me. I try to comfort her and help her see she shouldn't be afraid of sharing her burdens.

-You always have an answer.- She says. Her mesmerized look meets my eyes. As if I had opened the door to an unknown world for her, as if I had opened the box with the secrets of life.

Scrutinizing my eyes, my words, my thoughts, my inner self. I feel her trying to find inside of me the answers to all of her questions.

It hurts me to see her like this, but, somehow, I'm glad I found her.

I had never been this desperate for someone to be safe. I'm not letting her blame herself for the mistakes of a parent, no one should ever do that. I shouldn't want to hug her this bad, but why does it feel as if her eyes were asking me to?

- I want to know more about the mystery you are, and where all those right words you always have come from.

There's no mystery, just a riddled mind, one that you have set free, and for that I don't have the answer of how you've done it.

You smiled, and I feel like I have done something right. Maybe you smiled because of me, because of my words or simply because the weather is nice, whatever the reason, I smile too, because you haven't lost your happiness and that's all that matters to me.

We continue to walk. Looking up, she sees the bright, white dots covering up the dark sky- I wish I could stare at the stars forever, the night sky is so calming. Like you.- Unconsciously, she mentions me. - Sorry...- Shy, she plays with her fingers.

-Whenever you need calmness and the night is too far away, I'll be there- I say, looking up at the sky. I don't know what I'm saying. I feel dosed by her voice, by the way she walks, by how she balances her arms at the rhythm of her steps, by the smile she gives me from time to time, by how the moon lights up her eyes, by the breeze playing with her hair, by the sole fact that she's beside me.

-We're here now... - She stops in front of her house entrance. Will she be alright once I leave?
-I'll wait until you get to your room- I don't see any cars, I think her mother left. I feel uneasy knowing she'll be home-alone.
-Don't worry, I'll be ok- As if she had heard my thoughts, she tells me- Thank you. Sounds cheesy, but today you were my knight in shining armor.- I reply doing a reverence and we both smile- Good night, Park Seonghwa
-Good night, Im Saya.