At My Worst (Eng - ATEEZ FANFIC)

23 - SAYA POV

Present...

It didn't feel like friendship anymore, but it was not grown enough to call it love, yet I know it is more than a simple like.

I don't know when or how it started. It felt like I was in a dark room and light slowly and gradually broke its way through.

Eventually, I got to see it, the way he looked at me, how I would always diligently observe his every move when he was with me, that when we were younger he tried to seem more mature when I was around, that he would never complain when I grabbed his stuff unlike when the other guys did, how he would sacrifice his sleep for me, how he would bear my tears and emotional distress, how he never gave up on me.

And I realized how I felt a nervousness rush whenever our hands slightly touched, that I would always look for him among the crowd, that I felt something was missing when he wasn't there.

Maybe I felt the same way but never came to know. Maybe I always thought of him as more than a friend, more than a brother. Maybe.

But I will never know.

I remember Jongho's words from a few months ago

-How is it that you haven't noticed? We can all see it but you.

-Just tell me what you're talking about, I don't get it.

-I can't tell you, if I do it wouldn't be the same, you have to see it by yourself.

-I don't even know what you're talking about.

-Exactly, you need to open your heart, only that way you'll see.

So I did, I opened up my heart, but I felt terrible for accepting my feelings were growing, I felt unfaithful and dishonest. But should I really feel guilty?

It took me sometime to understand I need to recover too, that it wasn't me the one tied up to that bed. It was hard to let go, as if I had to cut off a limb. I refused, for so long I did but...

I couldn't help to think What if he doesn't wake up?

I felt nauseated the first time that thought crossed my mind, but it became so constant and I couldn't get rid of it. I felt so selfish and ungrateful, but what could I do? I didn't have the power to bring Seonghwa back, I felt so fragile and impotent.

And Wooyoung was always there, unconditionally.

My heart gave in.

I thought it was time to move on, I couldn't drown in my misery forever. He was my protector and my shield, he helped me find my strength , he walked into my darkness to pull me out. And so I fell, I let myself fall because I knew he would catch me, because I knew I could find with him the bits and pieces of my broken heart and he would place them back together with the same delicacy as the feel of the sea breeze after sunset.

But then, I thought again What if he does wake up?

I had made the choice to live with that thought, but not to feel haunted by it.